https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario daily 0.75 2025-07-10 https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/lets-talk-about-anger-and-resentment monthly 0.5 2025-07-10 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/2b02e0af-ee83-48fc-a567-b65a0afe2a20/resentment+and+anger+thunder+bay Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Let’s talk about anger and resentment. - What These Emotions Are Trying to Tell Us. Often anger acts as our protector against the vulnerable feelings, like fear, hurt, shame, or sadness. These can come up when boundaries are crossed, when we feel powerless, or when we’ve been wronged. In that sense, our anger comes from a place that makes sense. It is what we do with the anger that often becomes the culprit. Resentment is when we are holding on to the anger (and the other emotions underneath). We have not found a safe place for our anger to be released, or it hasn’t been released sufficiently, so it gets stuck. Resentment commonly presents itself when your anger has accumulated as well. Over time you might feel unseen, needs are unmet, or you feel disrespected and it builds up and lingers. Anger and resentment are not there to make us feel out of control, even though sometimes it might feel that way. Anger and resentment are there as a signal that something is wrong or we’re hurt. These emotions want to protect us. We have to practice listening to what anger and resentment are telling us, so we know better how to manage and resolve it. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/eea36257-80ef-4a7f-a173-a25488d0c547/anger+therapy+thunder+bay Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Let’s talk about anger and resentment. - Why It's So Hard to Talk About Anger and Resentment. Anger and resentment are hard to express. You might think that others will not understand or they’ll judge you for feeling the way you do. Many of us learned not to express emotions at all because they represented a lack of control, were seen as unproductive, or for men: feminine. For those who suppress emotions, you might lock them away instead. You tell yourself it is “not a big deal” or to “get over it”. This can lead to irritability, stress, and even physical symptoms. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/6e6976d4-edfc-44b0-aeaa-e016343815ba/anger+management+for+men+ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Let’s talk about anger and resentment. - What can we do about Anger and Resentment? Eventually we want the anger to subside, but there are other steps we need to take before just trying to force the anger away again. We want to actually process and deal with it, so it doesn’t continue to linger under the surface as resentment. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/96c27ec9-8a31-4fd2-9a01-206c701c78d8/anger+and+resentment Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Let’s talk about anger and resentment. - 3. Validate and use compassion Anger, resentment, and the other emotions attached come from somewhere. There is a reason for them. Others may not understand or you’re scared you’re being “too much”. The more you use negative talk and dismissal for your emotions though, the more they get stuck. So try validating how you feel and show compassion to yourself. This might sound like: “I feel the way I feel for a reason” “I feel hurt, which is a normal human experience” “Emotions are a signal of what I like/dislike, need or want, and it’s okay to have them.” “This feels bad right now, but I can get through it.” https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/64bdd83c-24fa-4354-81bc-3d33c1aba047/anger+management+thunder+bay Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Let’s talk about anger and resentment. - Compassionate Reminder You are not wrong for feeling angry. You are not broken for holding resentment. These emotions are part of being human. And like all emotions, they are meant to be felt, not feared. Honoring our anger and resentment is an act of self-respect. https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/anger-in-relationships-4-steps-to-expressing-anger-without-hurting-your-partner monthly 0.5 2025-07-08 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/3583c2db-a3ba-4460-aaba-2603422cdd20/couple+counselling+thunder+bay+ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Anger in Relationships: 4 steps to expressing anger without hurting your partner - Manage anger before communicating. When you feel overwhelmed by anger, it is hard to think clearly. It is why looking back at arguments, you might think: “Why did I say that?” or “Why did I do that?” It is because that part of our brain that helps us make more logical decisions is offline. When overwhelmed by anger, you just want to act on it. With anger, this can mean being defensive or attacking. So it is okay to feel angry, and there is likely a good reason to be angry, but try to find calm first before communicating anger with your partner. As well, they might be able to put their defenses down if you come to them while calm, rather than visibly angry. For more insight into how to calm down, check out my blog: “How to Calm Down When Already Angry” https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1f3ca817-41bc-4689-a046-b240ca98c5e7/anger+management+in+marriage Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Anger in Relationships: 4 steps to expressing anger without hurting your partner - 2. Get clear on what you’re angry about. You might have the reason in mind as to why you are angry. Sometimes there is more to the story though. For example, “I am angry because my spouse did not do the dishes.” After asking myself, “What is so upsetting about my spouse not doing the dishes?” I might come up with a clearer picture of the cause of my anger, like: “My spouse not doing the dishes is upsetting because I feel like it puts more stress on me to do more household tasks. I already feel like I can’t keep up, and when they don’t do the dishes I feel taken for granted. I sometimes feel like I’m invisible or I don’t matter.” https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/5a988037-08a0-4ce5-ba24-f5d2a752a1e6/communicating+anger+in+relationships Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Anger in Relationships: 4 steps to expressing anger without hurting your partner - 3. Communicate anger without attacking or criticizing. The goal in communicating your anger is to frame your anger in a way that your partner can receive it. You don’t want them to quickly get defensive and shut down. When expressing anger, you want your spouse to hear you and take feedback well. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/c3c02344-ca53-43a9-bdb8-b0f851efa102/anger+in+relationships Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Anger in Relationships: 4 steps to expressing anger without hurting your partner - 4. Resolve and repair anger with your partner. Part of expressing anger healthily with your partner is having them listen effectively, then listening to them as well. Before you all can problem-solve how to fix things or do things differently, you have to understand where each other is coming from. Active listening looks like: Paying attention Avoiding interruptions Empathizing or putting yourself in their shoes Able to summarize what they’ve said Asking clarifying questions Non-verbal cues, like nodding or eye contact Acknowledgment of what was said https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/understanding-anger-when-its-really-about-something-else monthly 0.5 2025-01-13 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/380d938c-4cd5-433e-91c3-9068355ff11c/counselling+thunder+bay Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Understanding Anger: When it's really about something else - Anger: It’s more complicated. Often I have heard the idea of anger being a result of responding to external events, something outside of ourselves. For instance, we get angry because someone cut us off in traffic or someone was rude. Straightforward, right? Maybe not. Sometimes anger is a secondary emotional response. This is where that great example of the iceberg comes in. There may have been an emotional response that we are less tuned into, that is the core of our distress. Think about those vulnerable emotions that seem less socially acceptable to feel, like sadness or fear. Then anger is what comes to the surface. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/371da2cb-6955-4133-a0db-7f41a7bf8702/understanding+anger+management Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Understanding Anger: When it's really about something else - Anger as a defense mechanism. Anger is a great tool for protection. We can use our anger to show “strength” in moments where really sensitive emotional spots get hit. Feeling rejected or hurt is uncomfortable and vulnerable. Having a feeling of anger can lessen that vulnerable and unsafe feeling, almost like we are trying to get control back. We can choose to tune into the anger instead to protect ourselves, especially in moments where we are with others or in places where other feelings are unacceptable. This may seem appealing in some sense, but what happens over time is those other feelings we are not tuning into stay stagnant and can allow stress to build up. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/32bc5c61-1577-4101-ab16-1d68c535c6d2/therapy+for+anger+ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Understanding Anger: When it's really about something else - Anger could be an unmet need. Another idea to consider is that anger could be an unmet need or desire. Again, this comes back to vulnerability. When we have difficulty communicating about something, like feeling rejected, neglected, or unheard, we may gravitate towards expressing ourselves through anger and frustration. Anger can be the default to saying the scary thing. We might end up using blaming language or loud voice to get across something like an unmet need or desire. You may want more validation, respect, or closeness in your relationship for example, but all they see and hear is your anger. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/ace140bf-29db-44f8-8155-051c01f80153/anger+management+for+men Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Understanding Anger: When it's really about something else - Anger and boundaries. To contextualize the anger more, you might think about how anger can come up when we feel a physical or emotional boundary has been crossed. Someone crosses an invisible line you have created and your instinct is to protect and assert yourself through anger. This makes sense, yet there may be crucial information you are not tuning into. There may also be feelings of being disrespected, misunderstood, or manipulated for example. These other emotions are important details for understanding why something is so upsetting to us and then be more clear on what to do about it. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/9afc3414-d90d-4577-9f51-2a307a07d05b/unsplash-image--4T9KZfc4tA.jpg Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Understanding Anger: When it's really about something else - When anger is about the past. Those deeper, more vulnerable feelings we miss when we only tune into anger can give us insight. Those other feelings can tell us a story about what was actually upsetting. Then you might notice there is a pattern. For example: I get angry and often what is actually happening is that I feel misunderstood and unheard in my relationship. I see that I often felt this way growing up in my family, and now I notice that I feel this way with my partner. This causes me to be quick to anger and frustration with my partner because these other feelings are unaddressed and longstanding. Think of it like having broke your ankle in the past. Maybe it healed, but the ankle is still sensitive in certain situations. Feeling misunderstood is that thing for you and compounded by leaving it unresolved in the present. This might make your anger bigger and quicker to show on the surface. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/0393f066-3df4-4022-930c-e2c43cce375d/anger+management Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Understanding Anger: When it's really about something else - What to do with what is under the surface of anger. If you notice that there are other emotions underneath the surface of anger, you’ve done the first step. Here are some things you might try next: Acknowledgment Now that you know there is more emotion than just anger, allow yourself to feel it. That sadness, disappointment, hurt etc. should be acknowledged. “I feel ______ beause______.” Some people may have difficulty feelings their feelings because of personal history with being allowed to feel, so don’t be too hard on yourself if you can’t readily tap into this. https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/navigating-divorce-as-a-man-a-guide-to-healing-and-moving-forward monthly 0.5 2025-01-13 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/f8af9746-aedf-4b25-9c13-d5eefc77d0a6/unsplash-image-TdM_fhzmWog.jpg Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Navigating Divorce as a Man: A guide to healing and moving forward. - 1. Acknowledge Your Feelings It is okay to feel your feelings. Let’s say that again: IT IS OKAY TO FEEL YOUR FEELINGS. Divorce is not just the end of a marriage—it’s the end of a future you thought you would have. It’s normal to experience a range of emotions, including anger, sadness, guilt, fear, and even relief. Unfortunately, many men feel pressured to hide these emotions under the guise of strength or stoicism, but acknowledging what you feel is the first step toward healing. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/6c00ad83-0b1f-41cb-a669-b5437d759ce4/therapy+for+men+after+divorce Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Navigating Divorce as a Man: A guide to healing and moving forward. - 2. Get Support For many men, seeking help is seen as a sign of weakness, but it actually takes a lot of strength to ask for support then tackle your struggle head-on. Professional counseling or psychotherapy is one of the best tools you can use to help you navigate the emotional roller coaster of divorce. By going to see someone like myself, a therapist, you can get the help to understand your emotions, develop coping strategies, and rebuild your sense of self. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/402492ea-7701-4247-8ce1-e127c1f6f8bc/unsplash-image-nQQxwUi-3Lc.jpg Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Navigating Divorce as a Man: A guide to healing and moving forward. - 3. Take care of yourself Divorce often brings with it an overwhelming amount of stress. This can have a negative impact on your physical health and mental clarity. It’s essential to make your well-being a priority during this time. Here are a few ideas for men prioritizing health post-divorce: Exercise Physical activity is a powerful tool for managing stress and anxiety. Whatever your fitness level, movement can help improve your mood and get some of the negative energy out. Physical activity might look like taking the dog for a walk, hitting the gym, stretching, or practicing yoga. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/f2094451-f65f-4db0-9624-af7c706e0e12/image-asset.jpg Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Navigating Divorce as a Man: A guide to healing and moving forward. - 4. Embrace the opportunity for personal growth Divorce can be an opportunity for personal growth. You may not feel this way right now and that is okay. Feel free to skip this one and come back later. As a therapist specializing in men’s mental health, I have seen men feel like a failure after divorce, then later realize how much they have learned about themselves and start to embrace what new experiences it can bring. You might end up seeing that this chapter of your life doesn’t define you, that it’s a part of your journey. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/850db56f-bfc8-4374-be7f-77d5b4ab77c8/co-parenting+after+divorce Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Navigating Divorce as a Man: A guide to healing and moving forward. - 5. Co-parenting: Striving for Harmony If children are involved, co-parenting becomes a crucial aspect and hurdle of life post-divorce. Divorce and co-parenting can be tough if separation was not what you hoped or there are negative feelings about each other. It’s vital to put the well-being of your children first and work toward creating a healthy, supportive environment for them. Here are some ideas for men striving for healthy co-parenting post-divorce: https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/249e1fd9-c6a0-45a8-8686-9bc66a8bcae0/unsplash-image-yP9k3lQf51Q.jpg Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Navigating Divorce as a Man: A guide to healing and moving forward. - 6. Don’t rush into another relationship After a divorce, many men feel the urge to quickly jump into a new relationship to fill the void. However, rushing into another relationship too soon may lead to unresolved issues being carried over into the new connection. Take your time to heal and rediscover who you are as an individual before pursuing a new romantic relationship. https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/how-relationship-dynamics-affect-mens-mental-health monthly 0.5 2025-07-08 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/bf11b38d-efee-4da6-a69d-ca147903e7a3/unsplash-image-vLENm-coX5Y.jpg Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How relationship dynamics affect men’s mental health. - Codependency Codependency is when you are over-reliant on your spouse and lose independence. Being dependent on your spouse is not a bad thing, but there is a line that can be crossed when it is excessive and unhealthy. Most often we see one spouse or both reliant on the other for emotional and psychological well-being to the point that they forget where one person ends and the other begins. Your care for them begins to be managing, directing, or controlling them. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/69a14e09-5803-41d3-a713-2de7e157a24f/unsplash-image-ce5ShWF9tAY.jpg Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How relationship dynamics affect men’s mental health. - Communication Issues Poor communication in men’s relationships can greatly affect their mental health. Some of the poor communication I hear men experience in their relationships are: Not communicating discontent, or negative feelings or thoughts to not “rock the boat” Not listening to your spouse when they are communicating something important to them Avoidance of important issues to you or the relationship Stonewalling, which means preventing conversation or refusing to engage Making assumptions about how your spouse thinks or feel Minimizing or dismissing the other person’s feelings, ideas, or concerns https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/c198952b-1adf-44ce-acef-8cf37f39a547/unsplash-image-dqa2LjshmWY.jpg Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How relationship dynamics affect men’s mental health. - Lack of Trust When it comes to building a healthy relationship, one thing is essential: trust. Trust is the cornerstone of any meaningful connection, and without it, relationships can quickly begin to unravel. It influences everything from communication and intimacy to emotional well-being and mental health. Men, here is what lack of trust might look like in your relationship: Hiding things to avoid your spouse’s upset Discomfort talking openly about your needs, fears, or concerns because of past negative responses. This can lead to emotional withdrawal. Questioning your partner’s motives, actions, or even small things like who they’re texting or where they’re going Difficulty relying on each other for tasks and responsibilities, or emotional support You become more distant and don’t talk about important things https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1731699245711-DWGB1MSEVPA4G686SLZU/men%27s+mental+health Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How relationship dynamics affect men’s mental health. - Final thoughts: These are a just a few ways relationship dynamics that I see men struggle with. Remember, it is not just poor mental health that can impact the relationship, the relationship can impact mental health as well. Reach out for support from a trusted friend or family member, or seek professional help through individual or couples therapy. https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/5-tips-for-new-parents-drifting-apart monthly 0.5 2025-07-08 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/edabdf46-59cb-4d37-9dd9-63ba03eb3dac/unsplash-image-WvVyudMd1Es.jpg Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - 5 tips for new parents drifting apart. - Firstly, relationship struggles after having a baby is normal. People prepare less than they should for the realities of caring for a newborn, and then an infant, and toddler. You don’t know what you don’t know, however. With the amount of change this new child can bring, adjusting to a new normal not only as a parent, but as a partner, can be really difficult. As a parent and therapist who provides therapy for couples, I will share with you 5 tips or ideas to consider to help your marriage or relationship get back on track. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/b4a07b7f-9918-416f-8597-99e402343247/unsplash-image-2ey7dmVEQv4.jpg Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - 5 tips for new parents drifting apart. - Whether you have a newborn, baby, or toddler, you both are going through a big life adjustment. You may be struggling with your own stuff, tending to your child, then having a spouse who is looking to you for attention or struggling to give you attention. Even if you want things to change between you, try practicing empathy for your partner by putting yourself in their shoes. Practice compassion for them in their unique struggle as a mother or father. By understanding each other’s struggle, you help the other feel seen, and limit defensiveness when you have moments to parent or connect as a couple. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/0b118955-f828-4ee1-b831-a75ceda01a93/ontario+couples+counselling Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - 5 tips for new parents drifting apart. - For example, Jane says to Jack, “I always get up with the baby and I never get to sleep.” Jack might feel defensive and say something like, “I’m exhausted too, I wake up every time you do even if I am not feeding the baby.” https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/38081847-6539-4c31-aa52-edc556b5d430/physical+intimacy+issues+as+new+parent Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - 5 tips for new parents drifting apart. - 3. Physical intimacy expectations will need to shift as a new parent. Any parent can tell you that your physical and sexual intimacy is going to be gone or minimal post-baby, at least for a time. This can be really scary for the spouse who relies on physical affection and sex for connection. So if you are here wondering if you are alone, you are not. I see this as a common experience. The birthing parent is healing their body, hormone shifts are happening, and being touched by a baby for most hours of the day can cause parents to feel “touched-out.” This can leave less desire for physical touch of any kind. So be patient knowing that this huge life transition and role will derail your physical intimacy. To get the physical intimacy back on track, you need to talk about it. One spouse may be more keen than the other to bring more physical touch back to the marriage or relationship. That is okay. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/fa7ee96a-62e3-4225-ad90-84d66f7782b5/image-asset.jpg Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - 5 tips for new parents drifting apart. - 4. Emotional intimacy will have to be tended to differently. When we think of intimacy, we often think physical, but the emotional intimacy gets lost too postpartum. Emotional intimacy looks like feeling close and connected to your spouse. It also looks like opening up and being vulnerable with each other, like talking about important things in your life or difficult feelings. Emotional intimacy is taking time to understand each other and be cared for. All of which creates a feeling of safety and comfort in your marriage or relationship. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/8df3dc12-1b91-455d-aa7a-da141469f848/couples+counselling+thunder+bay Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - 5 tips for new parents drifting apart. - 5. To help your relationship, you also need to help yourself. How are you doing? No, really, how are you doing? Check-in with yourself. Sometimes we can feel like we are drifting apart in the relationship or marriage, but we don’t consider how our well-being is contributing. Having a child is a big life change. Your view of yourself, your body, and priorities can change, to name a few. We may lose a part of ourselves becoming a parent and it takes time to recalibrate to this new you. It is challenging to do so when you are tired, stressed, and have little time. How well we are tending to ourselves, like with physical and mental well-being affects your ability to connect with your partner. So, this might be the first step for you. Are you taking care of your basic needs (ex. Eating, sleeping, bathing)? What do you need to feel good (ex. Less tasks, time for a hobby you miss, friend time)? Check-in with yourself. https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/new-dads-struggle-post-partum-too monthly 0.5 2024-11-08 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/b5522722-494a-43c8-9ad7-4cd15e4c6987/therapy+for+men+and+dads+thunder+bay Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - New dads struggle post partum too. - Transition to Fatherhood Dad is not bonding with baby. Yes, other dads and parents feel this too. You might have had expectations that as soon as you see your baby it will be magical. That is not what everyone experiences though. Stressors, in which there are many, can make bonding a slower process. You may need time to adjust and get your footing as a dad and caregiver to a baby. It’ll come. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/e0efdb1b-c55c-4723-81a4-a2a62caa4e98/fatherhood+anxiety+therapy Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - New dads struggle post partum too. - Fatherhood Anxiety Am I doing fatherhood right? There can be a lot of pressure to know everything or “do it right.” You want to be a good dad, so the motivation makes sense. I assure you, people leave the hospital thinking “what do I do here?” or “This thing didn’t come with instructions” (This was me!). https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/9e41f679-75de-4bb9-ae79-2f02824ad21c/new+fatherhood+stress+ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - New dads struggle post partum too. - Mental Toll of Becoming a New Dad Burnt out & overwhelmed. New parenthood is like being run over. You don’t know how much more lack of sleep or crying you can take, but you keep chugging along. If you are a dad going back to work for example, that can be super challenging to work exhausted then come home and go into dad-mode. It is why we have to give more credit to parents; Parenting a little baby is a job. So now you have two. Also, your spouse or the birthing partner will be recovering from birth. This is major. Dads can end up being caregiver to two dependents for a period of time, especially if it's a traumatic birth. This is a lot of responsibility. Just know, we all feel this way to varying degrees. Of course, this overwhelm can be exasperated by how much help you have. We all have more or less support from families or hired help. If you do have the connections and resources though, reach out. Children historically and in other places in the world are raised in a community. In the western world, we more often isolate ourselves during the new parenting process. Try not to do this. You need a nap. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/f39ce911-7a76-485f-954d-f9cc24a485fc/relationships+challenges+post+partum Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - New dads struggle post partum too. - Relationship Challenges Post Partum. If you are parenting with your spouse, your relationship will change post partum. This is inevitable. When you become a dad, your baby is dependent on you for survival. In the early years postpartum this is especially true. This means your relationship will not have the time and attention it may have had before. This is not meant to be doom and gloom, that your relationship will fail. No, this is meant to have you shift expectations. Parents who are spouses struggle to give attention to the friendship and romantic side of their relationship. The struggle in postpartum relationships is not only how to still nurture the romantic side, but adjusting to this new realm of your relationship: parents. You were friends, lovers, roommates, but now you are also parents. Because of this, you will have to figure out how to share responsibilities of being a parent and collaborate on how to parent. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/de480d7a-a9dc-4c9f-820d-09262aee3442/Dads+suffering+in+silence+thunder+bay Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - New dads struggle post partum too. - New Dads Suffer in Silence I see men in general struggle with suffering in silence. It is no surprise then that I see this with new dads too. To clarify, suffering in silence is when you are mentally or emotionally struggling, but you keep it to yourself. This might mean you feel like you have no one to turn or that you feel like you can’t or shouldn’t share it. To learn more, check out Olsen Psychotherapy’s blog: Why Do I Suffer in Silence? Suffering in silence is exasperated though post partum because your partner gave birth. They are recovering physically and mentally, and maybe taking on tasks with the baby that you are not a part of, like breast-feeding or getting up at night. So you can be even more inclined to suffer in silence rather than speak up about how stressed and overwhelmed you are. You don’t want to burden them further. https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/is-my-anger-a-problem monthly 0.5 2024-04-16 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/9611a689-8ec4-4ffb-b6a3-1fc5d75addc3/anger+issues+therapy+thunder+bay Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Is my anger a problem? - Anger is not bad. First and foremost we need to clarify that it is not the feeling of anger that is bad. Anger is not wrong. Anger is just a feeling. This is where many people get confused. They may believe that when they have anger issues, they need to get rid of anger altogether. Nope. We actually need anger, like all other emotions. The goal is to have a range of emotions, and have an understanding and skill to manage them. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/da5901ca-f4d3-46d8-9eba-bdf61eeac297/anger+in+relationships+ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Is my anger a problem? - There is a misconception that when angry the truth comes out. It is actually more that your protective responses have been triggered. You are in fight mode. So it is more likely that your words are reflective of your protective instincts. Think about this example: “I want a divorce” Does this person really want a divorce? Perhaps. Maybe it is something they have been thinking about off and on. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/0d4f45ed-0618-4d5b-b7c8-73cfbb11714e/Is+my+anger+a+problem Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Is my anger a problem? - “I go from 0-100 when angry” Your anger feels like it comes out of nowhere. Somebody says or does something, and you just react without thought. You don’t sense the build up of anger. I will let you in on something crucial here: Your anger didn’t come out of nowhere. You may have perceived it this way, for sure. Here are two ideas that might explain this type of anger issue: https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/2e884523-19fe-4a01-b1a5-704affdf88ca/Therapy+for+anger+thunder+bay Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Is my anger a problem? - “My anger does not go away.” You get angry about something then you keep thinking about it. The anger feels stuck in your body. The persistence of anger is what might make anger a problem for you. This sounds a lot like resentment. I think of resentment of the feeling of something being unfair and unjust, which is very similar to anger. Additionally though, resentment is holding that unfair and unjust thing in your emotional backpack and carrying it around with you. You feel like if you get rid of the stuff in your backpack that it would mean what happened never really mattered. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/583091fb-3688-44ec-9dc7-20f240d80110/How+to+calm+down+when+angry+in+Ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Is my anger a problem? - “It’s hard to calm down from anger.” Another challenge you may have with anger is the amount of time it takes for you to calm down. You get angry then it takes up so much time to get you back to equilibrium. Here are some reasons this may show up: Rumination You get angry, but you get fixated on it. Your thoughts get in the way. When you continue to think about the thing that made you angry, it fuels the anger. Angry thoughts are the fuel to the anger fire. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/41138f5e-8571-4c8a-9e58-b5cf88a0de3f/anger+therapy+for+men Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Is my anger a problem? - “My anger feels out of control” You feel anger so intensely that your ability to calm and act in a helpful way goes out the window. I might even say this is rage. This is where anger is intense and does not go away, often accompanied by aggression. If this is you, I would say seek professional assistance. This would be getting a health check by a physician and/or a session with a licensed mental health professional, like a psychotherapist. The reason being, it can be a sign of something of something else going on health-wise. As well, this intense emotion that feels absolutely out of control can be dangerous and scary for yourself and others. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/94e644f1-1bb6-4b41-b55a-49b960c4ad2d/anger+management+therapy+ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Is my anger a problem? - “I turn the anger towards myself.” Aggression towards others is what we commonly think of when it comes to anger issues. Outwardly expressed anger is not always the anger urge though. Some people turn their anger towards themselves. This anger might look like: https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/51a923f1-f96e-45eb-b041-25a102372c17/anger+management+thunder+bay Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Is my anger a problem? - “Other people tell me I have anger issues.” This is common feedback that people coming to anger management therapy have. There is someone, like a spouse or friend, that has told them, “Hey, your anger might be an issue,” or “I don’t like that you take your anger out on me.” If someone shows up with this story, they likely have already decided themselves that their anger is an issue. They also might be on the fence about whether it is an issue, but are wanting to explore this because they don’t want to lose the important people in their life. https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/qampa-starting-therapy-for-the-first-time monthly 0.5 2024-02-26 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/01a5e8f9-5eaa-4afa-952e-7444d41d0d92/therapy+for+men+thunder+bay Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Q&A: Starting therapy for the first time. - Here are the therapy questions I am going to cover: What will others think about therapy? Can I really trust my therapist? Will my therapist ‘get it’? Shouldn’t I be able to deal with this on my own? Will therapy even work? https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/3d2ccf23-1b60-48e7-9039-b21468581374/men+starting+therapy+for+the+first+time Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Q&A: Starting therapy for the first time. - Others will judge because they… Don't understand what therapy is and how it works. Have had their own ‘bad’ therapy experience, and think that must mean all therapy is ‘bad’. Still believe therapy is ONLY for people with severe mental illness or other severe problems. Think personal problems should only be dealt with alone or within a family unit, not therapy. Don’t understand how much you’ve been struggling, and aren’t willing to wrap their head around what that might be like. Think talking about your feelings too much means you are weak and have failed in some way (which might say more about how they deal with their own feelings and let’s just say this doesn’t work out well). https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/143bc985-ea80-4a86-ba65-786e84718095/starting+therapy+ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Q&A: Starting therapy for the first time. - Can I really trust my therapist? Therapy is confidential (with exceptions that your therapist will explain to you). So if you are worried that they are talking around town about you, they can’t. Your therapist has a licence to uphold that requires following ethical guidelines. One of which is confidentiality. Now, will there be exceptions to this where therapists act unethically? Sure. This is a risk any therapy-seeker takes. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1ceec83b-e38b-4afc-a1b2-b4927a3a7330/online+therapy+for+men Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Q&A: Starting therapy for the first time. - Is your distrust about something else? Now, maybe your not worried about your therapist blabbing. Maybe the worry about trust is whether you can trust this stranger to hear personal and vulnerable things about you, and rely on them to support you in it. You don’t want someone who doesn’t honor what you’re saying or take it seriously. This makes total sense. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/d1702f0f-af88-427b-a1bf-c672d37f360e/therapy+for+men+ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Q&A: Starting therapy for the first time. - Will my therapist ‘get it’? Your therapist won’t have all the same experiences as you. That doesn't mean they can't ‘get it’. They might ‘get it’ by asking questions and clarifying with you so they can imagine exactly how your experience might be. It’s part of empathising. Your therapist will try to put themselves in your shoes. You might hear your therapist ask: Did I get that right? Your thinking that __________? When this happened, you felt like _________? Was it more like this ______ or like ________? As well, your therapist might understand a feeling because they’ve also had that feeling, but from a different experience. For example, when trying to tap into my client’s experience with feeling rejected and abandoned, I can understand personally what that might be like from having felt that way from a completely different scenario. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/2b939eb7-9d7d-4bbe-8efb-cc63cd149ccd/men+starting+therapy Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Q&A: Starting therapy for the first time. - Shouldn’t I be able to deal with this on my own? Some things we can, sure. We deal with things on our own all the time. There are other moments in our life though that: Even though you COULD deal with it on your own, it would be SO MUCH harder! You are emotionally depleted and don’t have the energy and capacity to do it on your own. It’s like you’ve been running for so long and someone told you to help them lift a car - YOU CAN’T do it. You’re stuck. You’ve tried to deal with it on your own and it’s not working. You need an outside perspective. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/fe7c8d0d-7d30-4c5f-a674-5906cbb0f2e7/starting+therapy+for+the+first+time Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Q&A: Starting therapy for the first time. - Will therapy even work? Maybe. I see it being helpful all the time. There’s research that supports many types of therapy as being beneficial. There’s a lot of factors that could make it a more or less helpful experience. https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/mens-loneliness monthly 0.5 2024-02-02 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/5545ceca-6bbf-47e8-bb3c-9c9ecb5a9a29/therapy+for+men+thunder+bay Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Men’s loneliness. - What is loneliness? Loneliness can grow from not having access to connection with others, like what happened in the pandemic. Remember that loneliness however can be felt even when you are surrounded by others. Loneliness is the feeling: “I can’t feel this, I can’t share this.” If you experience something upsetting, do you have someone to share that with? Loneliness is a feeling that grows from disconnection into a pattern of self-reliance. The more I don’t turn to others to start or maintain a connection to them, the more I feed the beast of lonely and sad thoughts that pushes me towards only relying on myself. I keep things in. I put on a “strong” front or happy face, but inside I feel like I am outside looking in, like no one cares anyway. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/17d9ac36-7356-40b3-8d5a-66e828a18509/counselling+for+men Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Men’s loneliness. - Why do men experience loneliness? Some men can be less relationally inclined, meaning they may not prioritise relationships and have learned the skills to maintain them. On the other hand, many more women have great social pressure to be relationally inclined. Romantic relationships and marriage especially are seen as a measure of success in our society still. Being able to navigate relationships and have interest in it is valuable as a girl and woman. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/2a256fc8-9855-486b-afcf-dff922bae628/Mens+counselling+online+ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Men’s loneliness. - How can I fight loneliness? To combat loneliness, men have to first tackle that internal voice that says they must push through and do it on their own. You can’t fight loneliness on your own because that is how it breeds. The longer you are left struggling inside trying to problem solve alone, the more you risk feeding the self-reliance urge and pattern of being removed under all circumstances. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/d9ccfb5e-33f2-451b-8ffe-297adef8289a/therapy+for+men Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Men’s loneliness. - Men have social needs This may not be obvious for some men, but know that you benefit from social connections just as much as women. You deserve to be cared for and care for others, and if you are missing one of those pieces then you’re missing out on a vital social need. It can feel like shame when you expose yourself to potential new and old connections. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/6aba0fc7-4c63-4d9a-a388-8c35da51ccf3/man+loneliness Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Men’s loneliness. - How can I help men’s loneliness? Those in relationships with men can help too. If the man in your life is uncomfortable with having difficult or vulnerable conversations, you can make an effort to make it feel more safe. This might look like: Being open to hearing their thoughts and feelings. Don’t police them. Example of what not to do: “You shouldn’t feel that way” or “You’re seeing this wrong” https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1fa2b2af-f0e1-457c-882f-e3f0f232f34d/image-asset.jpg Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Men’s loneliness. - Final thoughts on men’s loneliness Loneliness can make you feel stuck or backed into a corner, like the way out is too challenging. The antidote is connection. Read my blog Why do I suffer in silence? for more clarity on this and suggestions on small steps you can take to start coming out the shadows or out behind that wall. https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/managing-anger-in-relationships monthly 0.5 2024-03-19 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/dbb51364-d2c1-4fa9-8cf5-5cb41225564f/anger+in+relationships Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Managing anger in relationships. - How anger manifests in relationships Often where anger is problematic in relationships is how we deal with it. What makes it so challenging to deal with anger, or any strong emotion, is that it can cause tunnel vision or limited thinking. It's hard to see the full picture when angry. This can happen when angry because anger can be a defense. Basically, it’s going into protection mode. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/93924218-4f51-4982-aa45-daf1348c2128/anger+management+therapy+for+men Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Managing anger in relationships. - A common result of unsatisfied anger is resentment. This can happen when we hold our anger in OR when the ways we try to address the anger didn’t work. So we still carry the anger with us because we are unsatisfied. Anger wants justice. We feel as if the thing we are angry about was unheard, dismissed, or disbelieved, and that feels unfair, but we don’t have the tools to make it better. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1095aab0-c686-48c3-9d84-eb10b2ee1fce/anger+management Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Managing anger in relationships. - 3 steps to managing anger in relationships. 1. Check the facts Like I mentioned, anger can give us tunnel vision. We might jump to conclusions by making a determination about the situation before we understand what has all happened. An example might be: Your spouse not answering your phone calls or not doing that thing you asked them to do. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/e1e48af6-8906-4417-8ea0-0fd843ae80c7/anger+management+counselling+ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Managing anger in relationships. - 2. Clarifying anger Sometimes our anger is straight forward. Sometimes it needs to be understood with a little more depth. Often I hear clients say “I am angry because [then they tell me about something that happened or something someone did]”. What I always want to know next is: “What about that experience was upsetting to you?” This question is really important because that something might also have upset me, but WHY it was upsetting might differ. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/0c0d5a7a-9aff-45b9-9581-c57e29ea8f6e/anger+management+thunder+bay Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Managing anger in relationships. - Before sharing your anger and hurt with your spouse, you really need to clarify. Do not skip this step! This is because you can end up giving your spouse your emotional labour. Without clarifying, It becomes an emotional dumping where your spouse is navigating your emotional experience, putting the pieces together, and find the meaning. This is not their job, though there may be moments where their insight is helpful. The goal is really to share your clarified experience so you can understand each other better, repair after a disagreement, or connect through emotional intimacy (trusting them to be brought into your inner world). https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/37ca92d5-c200-4d0a-b442-05f995502eb3/therapy+for+anger+management Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Managing anger in relationships. - Here are a few tips for sharing your anger in your relationship: Have realistic expectations. Our spouse won't always get it right, so if they respond in a way that is unhelpful, let them know. Provide your need or expectation: “I just need you to listen to my experience first and understand. That would be really helpful right now.” “I know this is my perspective and you will have yours. I would really appreciate you hearing me out.” “I’m not trying to be critical, I just want you to know when something is upsetting so maybe we can try to do things differently together.” Also, it’s not always about them fixing their behaviour to prevent your anger in the future. Sometimes it’s simply about repair. You might just need them to acknowledge that the way they went about something was upsetting for you and that’s enough. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/617ec99a-ed4b-4b17-9da3-7b75f7a855c5/managing+anger+in+relationships Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Managing anger in relationships. - Final thoughts on managing anger in relationships Sometimes understanding our inner world, feelings, thoughts, and then trying to communicate is overwhelming. I say this because everything you’ve read above is what would happen in an ideal world and by no means can you always get your relationship right. Developing better emotional and relationship skills is incremental. If it’s not enough to do this on your own though, don't hesitate to reach out for professional support, whether as an individual or a couple relationship. https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/how-to-deal-with-irritability monthly 0.5 2024-10-31 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/beae79a9-8db2-4e5f-b855-ad171e8538a1/managing+irritability Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to deal with irritability. - Context Let’s give your irritability some context. Why? Well, what can make irritability worse is judgement, like: “I shouldn’t be irritable” as if what is happening in your life isn’t enough to warrant being overwhelmed. “Just get it together” as if you should be able to suck the overwhelm back into your body and be suddenly tranquil. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/5e793f22-e226-46fa-8a94-049f4c3e5946/therapy+for+men Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to deal with irritability. - What are you dealing with that is taking up that emotional energy? It could be: Work pressure Chronic pain Grief and loss Household responsibilities Relationship strain Depression Discrimination or maltreatment Childcare Messy home / clutter Self-esteem challenges Childhood trauma The list goes on and on. There are tasks and responsibilities that we have that take up a mental load and stress us out. In addition, there are emotional loads like childhood trauma or dealing with ongoing grief that will also contribute to how much energy we have to manage life. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/92fa8cc4-b726-437a-b7a8-cfcc458c3f2d/irritability+and+overwhelm Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to deal with irritability. - Slow it down When you are irritable and in a state of overwhelm: slow it down. Your capacity is smaller right now. Take some deep breaths. Take your time. Give yourself pauses. Allow yourself to pause before giving an answer to a question or responding impulsively (to something you may not need to respond to!). Part of irritability is quickness to annoyance or anger, so to prevent this you can practise pausing to try to diffuse that “quickness.” Lower your expectations. Again, your mental and emotional capacity when irritable is less, which means you are not at your full capabilities. Your body is saying “this is too much.” SO give it less. What can you allocate or let go of today? https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/33c35682-1491-494a-ae2f-3bf9a64fa641/Anger+management+thunder+bay Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to deal with irritability. - “I’m fine” Rather than saying “I’m fine” or “I’m tired,” try: “If you haven’t noticed already, I feel on edge today. So if I am being snippy that's why. I’ll do my best to manage it, but I just wanted you to know”. You may not be able to make irritability completely go away, but you are bringing your important people into your inner world. Sometimes them just knowing that you are also aware of the irritability makes it feel easier to be with you in those moments. They are more likely to provide you support in your irritability or mood when you are on the same page, rather than trying to convince them you’re “fine.” https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/666a338a-6830-426e-99c3-79781eda4cd7/Coping+with+irritability Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to deal with irritability. - Self-care Irritability can be about overwhelm and as a result limits our capacity to manage. One of the ways we can limit the chances of overwhelm is widening our mental and emotional capacity in the first place. Our capacity can be greatly improved by enacting preventive measures. In this case I mean: self-care to prevent irritability. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/861d4f1c-0d55-4163-a020-72bba792ddec/How+to+deal+with+irritability Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to deal with irritability. - Alternatively, thinking about: What is meaningful to you? What sparks emotional joy or calm? How is my environment affecting my self-care? Which activities make my body feel good temporarily and long-term? What is something from my past that made me feel good that I’ve lost? https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/guilt-after-infidelity monthly 0.5 2024-07-11 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/b8576bbf-e90b-46c9-bae0-cbf038c75171/guilt+over+infidelity+in+marriage Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Guilt after infidelity. - You get to be upset too. I know not many people will tell you this, but even though you enacted harm through infidelity, you get to be upset too. This upset of course should not overshadow or bulldoze over conversations about your spouse’s hurt. It does still get to exist though. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/c6ace1b9-915a-4e30-986a-b9aa199830e6/ontario+couples+counselling+online Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Guilt after infidelity. - Take responsibility. You might say, “Um, Christine, I’m not hiding the infidelity. I’ve confessed, it’s out there. How is this not taking responsibility?” When the guilt of infidelity is strong, our defences, essentially our protective instincts, can kick in. Our bodies have a natural inclination to regulate emotions in the best way it knows how. Sometimes that means putting up defences so the narrative we have attached to guilt softens. Let me give you an example: Minimizing: It was not that bad It was only an emotional affair / It was only physical That other person betrayed their spouse way worse than I did https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/f7160ed8-2e49-440b-b10f-8800e64fadcc/infidelity+couples+therapy Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Guilt after infidelity. - Validation time. They are still here. Despite their hurt, your spouse is still choosing to be in the relationship. This means they are willing to repair. You have to be willing to embrace this. Guilt can cause you to believe you are undeserving. Your spouse is still choosing to be in the relationship though. This tells me repair and development of a healthy partnership is still possible. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/9b8fc63e-23e7-4032-bd99-ba0a62d16797/couples+counselling+thunder+bay Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Guilt after infidelity. - Guilt breaks. Put the guilt away. Imagine with me: You put your infidelity guilt in a box, fold the lid, and tuck it away on a shelf high up and away from sight. There are times when guilt is intrusive and gets in the way of our day-to-day life and isn't helpful. It's not helpful if you’re for example: playing with your kids or having date night with your spouse. Remember that you can’t tuck it away forever though. Bring out the box when you have quiet time self-reflecting, discussing with your therapist, or are talking through the difficult parts of your relationship with your spouse. Have good feelings. You still get to have good feelings. If you have a good moment or day, let yourself feel joy or contentment. You are deserving of good feelings. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/891b4b47-aba6-4dc8-a881-481a10ed26a0/couples+counselling+infidelity Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Guilt after infidelity. - Tips for tolerance: Process your feelings outside of these conversations. If you are not dealing with the painful emotions you are having about the infidelity, including guilt, then it’s going to be doubly hard to manage when you are sitting in your spouse’s pain too. Remember that your spouse talking about their experience and pain from the infidelity is usually a bid for connection with you. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/a25df9c0-b2bf-435a-af22-503a0c1f438c/guilt+after+infidelity Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Guilt after infidelity. - Final thoughts on infidelity guilt. Guilt is a sign you have empathy. You feel bad for the harm. Use this as a motivation for repair rather than a festering virus that will cause you to turn away from your spouse. Take the time to self-reflect with real honesty, while remaining emotionally available to your spouse. This is so hard, so consider reaching out to a professional or others who can give you some extra support. https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/managing-angry-thoughts monthly 0.5 2023-12-20 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/8be1e608-39b4-45a4-a98f-b7a4e03d0308/counselling+thunder+bay Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Managing angry thoughts. - Identifying anger thoughts. You have to notice the anger thought for what it is. Get to know those anger patterns. Judgments Judgments are normal. Healthy judgment is actually how we make evaluations of a situation. We use our previous knowledge to make sense of something. We can see things as good or bad, or wrong or right. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/4387a2c5-8353-41cc-8a5d-c53d318c721e/online+anger+management Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Managing angry thoughts. - Mind reading. Mind reading, also considered an interpretation or assumption, is filling in the blanks when we don’t have all the information THEN believing it to be true. Now, this has a healthy purpose sometimes. We interpret to understand why things are happening the way they are and why people are doing it a certain way. A problematic use of assumptive thinking is when we guess others' motivations and fuel our own anger. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/2c1c3de3-3d9c-4d3b-a985-8ebf3ed28846/anger+therapy+ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Managing angry thoughts. - All or nothing thinking. Similar to judgments, all or nothing thinking (or black and white thinking) can be use of thinking “good or bad” “right or wrong”. All or nothing is thinking in extremes or “either or”. It’s like when we are angry and get stuck in thinking they are wrong and I am right. In reality though, the truth is likely more nuanced and contextual. It might sound like: You never let me talk. It’s always been this way. Everything is messed up. It will never get better. You always take their side. I never do anything right. When you can’t see their perspective AT ALL, or cannot see the “grey”, it’s probably a form of all or nothing thinking. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/dd33c6c9-015e-4e73-8771-dfbd656e8e4b/anger+management+ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Managing angry thoughts. - Blame game. Similar to all or nothing thinking, blaming is missing the context. Blaming purely yourself or someone else is leaving out vital information to understand the whole picture. What do I do now? Identifying these thoughts is the first step to separating yourself from them. When we distance ourselves from the thoughts that arise in our head, we can be more impartial. We can observe them and see them for what they are: not always factual or helpful. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/16dd8afa-7f2a-4a0f-80db-9d2de685a2c6/anger+management+thunder+bay Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Managing angry thoughts. - Or try this: Relax and take a few deep breaths. Imagine you are lying in a grassy field looking up at the sky. You see the clouds passing. Think of each thought as being a part of one of those clouds. Just notice. Let go of each thought you are experiencing. You cannot tie yourself to it, or judge them. You are only an observer of the clouds. https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/is-jealousy-in-a-relationship-healthy monthly 0.5 2023-12-20 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/c6d83b49-fa6e-4b5b-a94f-aabf1ace472c/counselling+thunder+bay Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Is jealousy in a relationship healthy? - What is jealousy? Jealousy comes from a feeling of threat which elicits fear. The fear is loss and might be accompanied by fears of being alone, rejection, not being worthy or loveable, lack of safety or stability, or that you are dispensable. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/f4b42a56-5018-4e77-8df1-b67f3002190d/couples+therapy+ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Is jealousy in a relationship healthy? - Here is how we might see differences in our jealousy: Healthy jealous thoughts & actions Wanting to feel you are important to your partner Increased feeling of love Putting more effort into relationship so they are reminded of your investment Desire to continue your relationship together Feeling motivated to not take your partner for granted https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/ec88de7e-934e-4cf1-a10b-44652c944535/couples+counselling+thunder+bay Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Is jealousy in a relationship healthy? - How can I manage my jealousy better? Let’s try to approach jealousy a bit differently. The next time you feel jealousy: Stop. The worst thing we can do is act on our jealousy urge aka be impulsive. Remind yourself that it is okay to feel jealous and you can choose how to respond. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/5ddd146c-fb81-4b6e-9fe6-e60e8f6a91b0/is+jealousy+in+a+relationship+healthy Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Is jealousy in a relationship healthy? - How do I deal with my spouse’s jealousy Reflect Firstly, reflect on whether your behaviour has created distrust. Your jealous spouse must take responsibility for their part and you can do the same. Reflect on whether their concerns resulting from jealousy has validity, like crossing boundaries you all discussed not crossing. https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/strategies-of-coping-with-stress monthly 0.5 2023-12-10 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1d1719d2-ee2b-49ec-a9d8-fd9b2872439b/stress+management+counselling+ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Strategies of coping with stress. - Too much stress looks like: Sleeping difficulties Unable to switch off your thoughts Physical responses, like digestive issues or headaches Irritability Inability to relax, like tense muscles or grinding teeth Even challenges with sex drive or performance! https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/8b9346c2-72bb-4a10-a79c-8f0dfb1880a1/counselling+for+men+ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Strategies of coping with stress. - Mindset Sometimes how we think about a situation can make it worse. Instead of telling yourself: I never can get it all done no matter how hard I try This will never end Why can't I just [blank]!? Why can’t they just [blank]! Nobody understands what kind of stress I am under https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/7c3e9e7f-b521-4c69-b215-8079f166aa05/coping+with+stress+thunder+bay+ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Strategies of coping with stress. - Self-soothing When there’s little you can do to change your situation, finding ways to calm your body can provide relief in stressful times. This is a bit like surrendering to whatever caused the stress and the stress sensations happening in your body. It’s saying, “hey, this stress exists and it is what it is.” Self-soothing is putting problem-solving on the backburner for now and letting it go. Practice being in the moment, tuning into your body or what is around you. This might look like: https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/f67f7208-bfc2-4fac-ac07-4e42f87bd20c/strategies+of+coping+with+stress+at+work Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Strategies of coping with stress. - Problem-solving Too much stress will definitely mean a need to look at the parts of your life that can be adjusted. This is because stress is sometimes just literally too much on your plate, including tasks/responsibilities and emotionally/mentally. Some coping strategies are temporary and can get you through the day or week. Sometimes changing your situation though is the key to stress relief. Examples of situations you may need to problem-solve: https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/why-do-i-suffer-in-silence monthly 0.5 2023-12-10 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/a99dc288-9417-4bf6-9968-65c004d577a2/men%27s+counselling+ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why do I suffer in silence? - How we learn to manage emotions. In our early lives with caregivers we learn how to manage our emotions (for better or worse!). We learn in two ways: observation and experience. We observe how the big people in our lives react to their own emotions and others. An example of observed learning is watching Mom get sad, put on a happy face, and telling others she is fine. Mom, likely unintentionally, is showing you that big feelings like sadness are to be kept inside and to mask that sadness to not cause others discomfort. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/820bf3cb-79f5-4cab-a506-6c547352aeac/therapy+for+men+thunder+bay+ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why do I suffer in silence? - Messaging that may lead to suffering in silence Through observation and/or experience, you’ve received messages of managing emotions and learned that: Emotions are… A sign of weakness If I have big feelings it means I’ve failed in some way. I should not be having them because strength means control. My responsibility My big emotions are a “me” problem. I need to take care of them internally. To be contained Those big feelings are to be locked inside. Push emotions down and away because letting them out is a failure. Repellent / unattractive Others don’t like my big feelings. In order to be liked and belong I need to “keep it together.” https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/8599589f-0952-41ed-b494-660ecd5414fb/men%27s+mental+health+ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why do I suffer in silence? - Asking for help means… I am weak / a failure If I can’t deal with things on my own, I am weak. I am a failure. Strength is perseverance. I can’t handle it myself Doing it on my own is winning. Self-reliance and independence is what I should strive for; It’s what being “a real man” is. It’s a real problem If I don't ask for help it means I still have a chance to keep it contained and “save face”. Getting help makes it into something I have to tackle in the eyes of others, which is shameful. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/6603dd95-90f7-40b8-a5d4-08f6193ee917/Men+suffer+in+silence Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why do I suffer in silence? - What do these early lessons about emotions teach me? In the present I may still hold beliefs like: Suffering is my fault, I need to try harder Others love me when I’m happy all the time Contain my feelings and eventually they’ll disperse Nobody cares, it's a me problem They wouldn't understand Self-reliance means acceptance Emotional means I’ve failed https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/8e20df6f-4333-46ae-8791-7b87fdb63263/Why+do+I+suffer+in+silence Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why do I suffer in silence? - How to stop suffering in silence Start small: Find content to relate to, like books, movies, podcasts. It’s connection on a small level to make you feel less alone, like “hey, they deal with too!” This can be validating. Write. Draw. Paint. Express it even if you are not ready to say it out loud. https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/how-to-be-a-better-husband monthly 0.5 2025-02-13 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/512049da-002a-477c-86a5-865c5bd9adaa/couples+counselling+ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to be a better husband. - Prioritise Connection Connection is vital to the health of your marriage and disconnection is common for marriages. This is because it really does take effort to maintain a bond over time. Connection is more than common interests and quality time. Connection is when your relationship has a secure foundation. Connection might look like: feeling like you can share openly in your marriage really listening to each other understanding their fears and vulnerabilities truly caring about what their wants and needs are. Connection is about really feeling SEEN. Unfortunately, men are less likely to prioritise relational health. Men often do not grow up with social pressures to maintain relationships and connections in the same way as women. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/5cd49e57-2bd7-4d4f-9d08-c1a3fcb38319/Getting+to+know+your+wife Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to be a better husband. - Here are some ways to prioritise and build a stronger connection: Get to know your wife or spouse (over and over). Be interested in what they like even if you don’t like that thing. “Tell me about the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” “How is that book you’ve been reading?” https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/6ee3c375-02ca-478a-b89a-927d3b922289/Husband+communicating+better+in+marriage Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to be a better husband. - Manage feelings. This means a husband navigating their own experiences & communicating their needs. I'm going to bet your wife or spouse has asked you to be more communicative and vulnerable when talking about your experiences and emotions. They want their husband to share with them. This is how you stay connected with your husband or wife and one way of achieving emotional intimacy. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/d3176380-e818-4dee-adca-eebf20b69fd8/Being+a+better+husband Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to be a better husband. - Here is what managing emotions for a healthier marriage looks like instead: Regulate your own emotions Learn what you are feeling and why. Connect your brain and your body; Attune to your feelings and shift in how your body is responding. Find ways to calm yourself and cope with difficult feelings. Get to know yourself Understand your past experiences and how they are connected to the present. Know what your triggers are / Things that are upsetting. What are you thinking and feeling in certain situations? What do you need and want to feel regulated, content or calm? https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/dcdd275f-9daa-4dda-91d1-e5d75a344b82/Marriage+couple+counselling Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to be a better husband. - Know how to repair. This is probably the most important marriage advice for husbands. You will fight and disagree within your marriage, I guarantee it. What you want to learn is, how to make it better as a husband. How do you deal with the disconnection in your marriage that will inevitably happen during an argument? https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/772ba015-d3cb-4153-be21-a290c6d3bd80/How+to+be+a+better+husband Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to be a better husband. - See invisible labour in your marriage. Even though gender prescribed roles in heterosexual partnerships have come a long way from: wife stays home with children and manages the household, while the husband is the more detached breadwinner, we still see some effect today. I mention this because gendered expectations can affect the health of your marriage by limiting freedom to have the marriage that works for you both, instead of what is expected. Frankly, people in marriages and relationships don’t talk about their roles and responsibilities enough. We assume a lot! Sometimes these unspoken roles can make husbands unaware of labour that still falls to their wife or spouse and burdens them with responsibility the husband had not thought of. There is something called unpaid invisible labour that happens; This is most widely seen in heterosexual marriages. This is because on average, women still do more childcare and household tasks than men. Yes, this includes woman who have full-time employment. https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/resentment-in-relationships monthly 0.5 2024-10-31 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/def3c006-91e0-432e-94ac-e836b2222e70/resentment+in+relationships Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Resentment in relationships. - How I understand resentment. I have had a relationship with resentment for as long as I can remember. Understanding my relationship to stubbornness has allowed me to see resentment clearer. Stubbornness is holding on to a position without seeing the others’ view, while resentment is waiting for acknowledgement. Resentment is seeing unfairness and having it be invisible. It’s waiting. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/2531c71c-23ab-448a-bde3-9b5faf85fef0/Resentment+in+a+marriage Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Resentment in relationships. - Resentment is held for things that matter. I am holding resentment because there is meaning that is tethered to it. When the weight of something meaningful is unnoticed, like an invisible backpack, I keep holding it. My resentment says: “I need the existence and importance of this to be acknowledged. It means something. Until it is given the acknowledgement of its weight I will hold it. It matters. To let it go without acknowledgement says my experiences don't matter, that I don’t matter.” https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/76d9c20b-2299-403c-8778-633018e7063c/Childhood+relationships+and+resentment Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Resentment in relationships. - Sometimes I create it. Having early experiences of not being heard or understood, I continue to hold my position, waiting for the moment someone will listen and understand. What I have adopted though, is learning not to speak. My voice causes others discomfort and may disrupt their peace. When you stifle speech you can’t be heard. It’s hard to see this. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/95f5f27c-7ac0-49ee-802e-67723f53e415/relationships+issues+thunder+bay Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Resentment in relationships. - How does resentment affect romantic relationships? Bitterness When our experience continues to be unacknowledged in the ways we need, the feeling of resentment grows stronger. Everything feels tainted. The things that normally would bring us together in our relationship, that would remind me of how great we are, now tastes sour. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/95809921-fd5c-426e-9419-a92f51d1174b/communication+in+relationships Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Resentment in relationships. - Communication All conversations start to be seen through resentment glasses. Though a conversation might be happening about childcare or weekend plans, your resentment glasses are filtering your spouse’s responses. Resentment affects how you interpret or understand their words. Resentment creates a sensitivity to situations that would not normally affect your relationship. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/ca8a6430-bc9d-4a9b-9a73-d623cdc4b5f8/how+to+deal+with+resentment+in+relationships Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Resentment in relationships. - How to deal with resentment in relationships. Make sense of it. First and foremost: You need to understand the resentment in your relationship at its core. What is it exactly? Because I bet it’s not just that your spouse doesn’t clean up after themselves. Is it that the lack of cleaning up brings of feelings of: Being undervalued Lack of support and aloneness Not being able to count on your spouse, which overwhelmed you with stress Feeling that you don’t exist in their eyes Being dispensable Fear of admitting a need Shame for wanting attention https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/7829daec-204f-4e3e-a89c-a77154b76e60/Letting+go+of+resentment Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Resentment in relationships. - How to cope when you decide the resentment is not worth addressing: Sometimes we get hurt and we WANT the other person to ‘get it’, but also know the thing that happened is not so huge. It isn’t telling of a larger issue or pattern in your relationship that is going to cause further rupture. So you decide: I just got to let this one go. In order to “let it go” instead of burying it again, you need to: Acknowledge it. Just because this resentment is not meaningful enough to bring up to my spouse, it doesn’t mean it is meaningless. I can still give the feeling space because it is a valid feeling to experience. Giving a feeling space means saying to yourself: “I feel [insert emotion here] because [insert reason here]” https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/e4bfa64d-3c6a-43e9-8b88-330620241623/couples+counselling+ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Resentment in relationships. - 3. Acceptance Acceptance is not saying you like what happened, it’s saying this happened and I can’t change that. It is no longer denying reality. Accept you can’t go back and make that experience different. Sometimes this step can include forgiveness too. I can forgive my spouse for this action, even if I did not like it, but I am going to let it go and no longer hold this as a barrier between us. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/2bb09a68-5114-423f-b5c0-cdec4425917e/relationship+communication+therapy Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Resentment in relationships. - Try to be direct and transparent. “I know we have talked about this before. I am bringing it up again because it is something I am still holding on to. I will do my best to work on this on my own, but I also need your help. What I need from you is [insert need here]” I need… “…to know that you truly understand my experience” “…an apology” “…to see that you are making effort to do this differently” “…to understand better why you acted that way” “…to get how deeply this event affected me” “…you to repeat back to me what you heard, so I know that ‘get it’, that you understand my feelings about this” “…you listen without interrupting, so I can express myself to you” https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/how-do-you-help-someone-with-anger-issues monthly 0.5 2023-12-12 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1fb7d99f-be22-4c6c-a231-1186f0388643/anger+management+issues Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How do you help someone with anger issues? - How anger management issues may be affecting your relationship: Walking on eggshells You try not to upset them and find yourself “on edge”. It’s uncomfortable to be around brewing anger or irritability all the time. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/2ea741d5-a825-49fc-8810-bb0ba398bafa/how+do+you+help+someone+with+anger+issues Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How do you help someone with anger issues? - Isolation and loneliness Having to walk on eggshells and filter yourself because of someone’s anger management issues is not okay. It’s lonely. When someone has anger management issues, the communication is usually off, which means the connection is usually severed. Connection that maintains closeness and safety in a relationship. So even if you are around each other a lot, it can still feel isolated and lonely. As well, you may find yourself avoiding the other person, which can be just straight up isolating. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/699504f1-426a-4b82-9615-fbab6ce8007e/Anger+management+ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How do you help someone with anger issues? - Seek out a physician Sometimes issues with anger management, otherwise known as emotion regulation difficulties, can be a sign of a health issue. There may be chronic disease, hormonal changes, depression, or substance use challenges etc. that could be contributing to the anger management issues. You can inform them of this and support them in getting their anger issue checked out by their physician. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/43d5d312-a3fd-4a22-8ba6-0bd44ee5a4c8/anger+management+issues+in+relationships Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How do you help someone with anger issues? - Relational health It is not your responsibility to fix their anger management issues, but as a spouse or loved one you can make sure you’re doing your part to maintain the health of your relationship. This can be of great service to them helping themselves. What does this look like? A very basic way to understand this is to be accessible, responsive, and engaged (A.R.E.). https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/b7117cd9-b1a3-4227-ae9d-cb12e804d93c/Anger+management+thunder+bay Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How do you help someone with anger issues? - How do you cope with someone’s anger issues? Stay calm This is way easier said than done when someone is angry. You don’t want to feel attacked and it’s overwhelming to be around someone who is emotionally escalated. Staying calm, if you can, is incredibly helpful though. Just like you feel escalated emotionally when they are upset, remaining calm can help them get back to calm faster when you are. Our moods can rub off on each other! Anger is also like being in protective mode. Their anger is telling them to defend. So if you also get into defensive mode, the more they will likely double-down on that protective armour (aka anger and aggression). https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/4ee1fb05-081d-47d7-a6c8-b7dff0c65140/therapy+for+anger+management Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How do you help someone with anger issues? - Disengage Here is your permission to leave situations that are abusive. And yes, we all can act abusive and not be in a “domestic violence” or categorically abusive relationship. Your spouse or loved one with anger management issues does not get to yell, name-call, or be aggressive with you and still have the privilege of your presence. You do not have to stay for that. It is not emotionally safe for you to communicate with an angry and aggressive person who is unresponsive to your respectful engagement. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/b961c18c-a428-469e-bea7-172740db8d92/spouse+anger+issues Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How do you help someone with anger issues? - Boundaries Knowing whether to engage or disengage with someone with anger management issues will depend on the boundaries you’ve decided, which includes capacity and preference. Capacity is going to mean: Do I have the emotional energy to have space for the other person’s stuff? How much am I able to tolerate without sacrificing my well-being? This will totally vary person to person. That capacity, along with your preferences for your relationships with your loved ones, is going to establish your boundaries. So you need to tap into these to know what your boundaries are. For example, “I prefer to not text about my relationships. Emotionally-charged conversations for me are in person” “I prefer communicating with you when our voices are on the calm side. This is most helpful for me to understand others and be understood” https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/tips-for-building-self-esteem monthly 0.5 2023-12-12 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/045669f7-b7eb-4c8c-aff0-a6df5386c9dd/online+therapy+for+men Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Tips for Building Self Esteem - What they don’t know is that you are 1000x harder on yourself. Sometimes you catch yourself judging other people, noticing their flaws. You even notice when you get upset you find yourself telling the other person the flaws you notice in the heat of the moment. You’re way harder on yourself though. They couldn’t imagine the conversations happening in your head. Those conversations are kind in comparison. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/fae5e2ee-8840-4cdd-bc4b-238397e01076/Counselling+thunder+bay+online Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Tips for Building Self Esteem - What all those with low self esteem need to know: As a therapist and fellow human, I want you to know that: Low self esteem is a lack of security within yourself and in relation to others. This can be a result of feeling criticised at crucial points in your life. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/c59c906e-d9c7-4be7-87b5-8196ed58d6d1/Men+building+confidence+ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Tips for Building Self Esteem - Tips for building self esteem: Find out the why Whatever it is for you, finding out why you never can get to that place of feeling confident can be really helpful. Learning the “why” is helpful because then you can recognize how much your behaviour makes sense, which makes it much easier to have compassion for yourself. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/0303f34d-da92-44ec-911d-c3a5dc28cc8b/Low+self+esteem+men Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Tips for Building Self Esteem - Challenging the negative conversations you’re having with yourself. When the conversations in our head always go back to how you could have done better, or you just can’t stop thinking about them, you feel like you’re not in control. You can shift the conversations. That negative person talking in your head is a hurt and fearful part of yourself that is trying to protect you (in a messed up way…). It’s protecting you by “trying to make you better” and “preventing rejection” (again, in a messed up way, but totally makes sense). https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/da240a63-5a77-40cb-ac95-880008d69a14/Therapy+for+men+thunder+bay Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Tips for Building Self Esteem - Practice acceptance. We can’t control what we can’t control. It doesn’t mean we don’t make an effort to change and influence situations that are not bringing us happiness or bringing us stress. It’s just that sometimes there isn’t really anything we can do about something right now. So when you’re thinking and thinking about something and not letting it go, it’s good to learn how to accept it didn’t happen how you liked and move on. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/e26d6bd0-08b1-4746-aafd-d19547e92b60/Building+confidence+and+self+esteem+ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Tips for Building Self Esteem - Communicating this might sound like: “Hey can we talk?” (Getting consent to have a serious conversation because not everyone is in the right headspace for this) “This is really uncomfortable to talk about for me because talking about feelings and stuff hasn’t been my strong suit” (Letting them know this is a vulnerable moment for you so they can be sensitive to that) https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/59919930-93a8-4983-8019-ac3ee71394cd/self+esteem+tips+for+men Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Tips for Building Self Esteem - Live within your values Sometimes we can get lost in life. We end up with a life and see ourselves behaving in ways that don’t align with our values. This happens everyone. One thing that can help build that confidence is to re-align yourself. What is most important and why? There are many “values” lists online you can take a look at if your’re unsure. I like this activity here: VALUES ACTIVITY. Then keep going. Even when you fall off the path you can remind yourself of these values and hop back on. https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/why-should-men-go-to-therapy monthly 0.5 2024-02-05 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/e886264b-04e4-4416-85f5-76159e6b212c/counselling+for+men+ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why should men go to therapy? - What do people go to therapy for? Men and people in general go to therapy for many reasons. It’s not like in the past where largely therapy and counselling were for severe mental illness or chronic emotional issues. Therapy can be for many things. What I often see as a provider for therapy for men, is men coming to therapy for: https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/725ff6d9-6335-4a4f-9d02-3792f93ffef8/why+should+men+go+to+therapy%3F Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why should men go to therapy? - Depression or low mood Depression unfortunately has become more common for men, or perhaps it was not identified as easily for many years because being less emotional or stoic was “normal” for men and less a sign of depression than what we saw in women. Depression can bring men into a dark hole where negative thoughts are seen as truth. It’s hard to fight it. I have a favourite saying that I think encapsulates this experience, “Depression makes you think it’s a cave when it’s really a tunnel”. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/a3d67d87-4acb-431f-9595-9e77b86667e2/counselling+thunder+bay Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why should men go to therapy? - Stress & Overwhelm Stress is a normal response to the pressures of life. There comes a point though when stress isn’t manageable. Then stress becomes overwhelming. What I most often encounter as a therapist for men is the belief that “I just need to cope with stress better, but don’t actually need change my life,” or “I am failing to deal with life, I just need to be a better, stronger person by coping better or being more efficient” https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/4897ce09-b66a-487c-8dc7-f6d4fb199543/online+therapy+for+men Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why should men go to therapy? - Relationship struggles I often see men who struggle with their important relationships, like spouses or kids. This is so common because we don’t always see healthy relationships growing up. We may not have learned how to fight in healthy ways or be a connected, present partner. In addition, for those men with mood issues, your relationships will inevitably be affected. Some men decide to do individual therapy to talk about how they can be a better partner, or pursue couples therapy, or both. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/8d0a3d51-f2f3-42f6-9e1e-7bf12a6910aa/coping+strategy+for+men Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why should men go to therapy? - Alcohol use Men are more likely to turn to substances when it comes to mood challenges. Though things like alcohol can be a means to relax or socialise at times, for some men it turns into something more habitual and for the purpose of numbing stress or emotions. It can helpful to learn to turn to your emotions and talk about your experiences, rather than turn away from them, in other words drinking alcohol to forget for the short-term. Those worries always come back though, and that what therapy can help with: How can I get more attuned with whats going on inside and learn to tolerate that so it doesn’t feel so overwhelming. Then alcohol might seem like less of a necessity or go-to coping activity. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/6630d1d3-c0e1-465f-8423-9daaac895798/image-asset.jpg Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why should men go to therapy? - Should I go to therapy? That’s up to you! Therapy is one tool for getting help, having support, or making changes. Some people may seek therapy when not in distress, but simply want to talk about some things and get support. Others, of course, feel therapy as something they need more urgently. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/f9744900-8388-4e35-896b-2ee7c90ebe22/therapy+for+men+thunder+bay Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why should men go to therapy? - Benefits of therapy Stress relief More fulfilling relationships Make sense of behaviour Learn about oneself Improve communication skills Overpower negative thoughts Manage emotions Curb anger Stop avoiding others Turn off bad habits Coping with grief Feeling engaged in life again Understand your resentment Be a better partner Lessen overwhelm Navigate conflict Work on goals https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/what-to-do-when-anger-is-justified monthly 0.5 2024-02-05 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/3c5d5f41-c5fe-42ff-b670-d7d4b518af04/counselling+thunder+bay Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - What to do when anger is justified. - Does my anger fit here? An example of this would be if: Your friend did not show up on time to pick you up from the airport. You’re pissed. You think, “That’s not what friends do” or “I would never do that to them” or “They don’t even care that I’m going to be late for the babysitter”. You later learn they got in a car accident on the way there. Would your reaction be different if you had had all the facts here? I know I would. Your anger was a response to the little information you had: my friend did not pick me up on time. You interpreted or assumed a reason for their behaviour and intentions. Now, what I want to talk about today is: What do we do when that anger is justified? https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/3e869288-417e-475c-aa4f-271054060dc7/anger+management+ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - What to do when anger is justified. - Calm down. What I know for sure is that deciding what to do with the situation when you’re at the height of anger is no help. We get a bit of tunnel vision when we have strong emotion, in this instance: anger. It’s important to find ways to calm your body down so your thinking, problem-solving, analytic part of yourself can come back into working order. Then, and only then, can you make a more balanced decision about this situation you’re angry about, that will better serve you in the long run. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/bf31a784-e799-4ecf-a8a8-0445f039f213/anger+management+for+men Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - What to do when anger is justified. - Understand the anger. If we have a strong reaction to something, it usually means it’s important, so we should try to understand it. Understanding will help us to know how to proceed and eventually be able to let the anger go. So when a situation, like the example above, happens and we feel justified in that anger, I want you to think about: What is my emotional response? Anger yes, but anything other feelings? What thoughts are going through my head? Why am I angry? Where is the anger coming from? What is the meaning of this? https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/9faceb5c-2a77-4569-be2f-6b3571324ad8/what+to+do+when+anger+is+justified. Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - What to do when anger is justified. - Why am I angry? My friend not showing up at the airport when they promised to has made me angry. I am reminded that I often put effort into relationships with others, but don’t feel as if I get the same amount of effort back. This makes me feel not important. Sometimes I even wonder if I am inadequate in some way that many people in my lifetime have disregarded my feelings. I thought this person could be a friend I could be close to and rely on, but am once again disappointed. It makes me think whether I should trust my own judgment when it comes to relationships, which further adds to my frustration and sadness. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/7371d6cf-a892-4df5-ad52-a455cbd1e4c0/therapy+for+men+and+anger Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - What to do when anger is justified. - Problem-solve. Can I do anything about the anger experience? When trying to figure out how to proceed with the situation that incited the anger, I want you to ask two questions: Is this rupture meaningful to me? Is this relationship important to me? If you answer yes to both, then a conversation is likely needed. Unless… you decide the solution to the anger problem is not going back to the situation that caused it. For example: Ending the relationship that would not feel safe to communicate in. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/fcf65a36-9545-4eaf-8f1e-1e87f78acf32/communication+anger+management. Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - What to do when anger is justified. - Communicate your anger experience. If the rupture was meaningful for you and this person is important to you, it’s time to talk. Some questions to ask yourself before engaging: What do you want out of this? Example: I want them to understand how their actions made me feel What would be helpful to repair the relationship? Example: Accountability for their actions An apology for the hurt they caused https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/4cea637b-38ef-4b26-9f8c-86b7c962bd7e/anger+management+thunder+bay Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - What to do when anger is justified. - Reduce feelings of anger. Have a conversation with yourself (a kind and compassionate one!). We can’t always problem solve. Sometimes whatever caused the anger is a situation that isn’t worth trying to change or maybe you understand the intention of the other person is good and you just need to go lick your wounds instead. Provide yourself validation for how you feel: I’m allowed to be upset. My anger makes sense. That was a sensitive spot for you, so OF COURSE anger and sadness would come up. You’ll get past this, emotions are not forever. https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/why-telling-men-to-express-their-feelings-is-not-enough monthly 0.5 2024-02-05 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/8cfa0631-73fb-4225-b075-1ba7a18bb345/Men+should+talk+about+their+feelings Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why telling men to “express their feelings” is not enough. - Firstly, I want to be clear that: Men SHOULD talk about their feelings! This does not mean you have to be the best at it or want to do a lot, but sharing feelings and thoughts is important for mental, emotional, and relationship health. If you’re wondering: “but, does it really matter?” “can’t we let men be men?” Then let me explain… https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1694460015181-Z26MCE96BIOVH57IV8KN/why+telling+men+to+express+their+feelings+isn%27t+enough Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why telling men to “express their feelings” is not enough. - Let’s be clear on the benefits of men expressing feelings: Your spouse or loved one is not guessing how you feel and ‘walking on eggshells’ It can increase closeness and connection aka intimacy in your relationships Saying things out loud can feel relieving because your not holding it all inside If others respond empathetically, it can feel validating, like what you’re feeling makes sense. This feels good! Not feeling or processing emotions can be really stressful on our bodies and cause health issues in the long-term. Now that it is clear that expressing feelings can be a great thing, let’s explore… https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/13e1b5dc-1907-41b4-88d8-7838d5d943c8/therapy+for+men+thunder+bay+ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why telling men to “express their feelings” is not enough. - 3 Tips for identifying feelings: Practise observing body sensations. When we have feelings there is a bodily reaction. Think anger and clenched fists, flush of heat, head pressure OR grief and fatigue, chest pressure, tearing eyes, numbness. Your body is connected to emotion. Maybe not always this strongly, but it is. SO start observing. What does it feel like when your anger is building up? What does it feel like when you wake up in the morning? How about when you drive up to your workplace? … Mindfulness meditation practices are wonderful for building this skill. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/2fa2c45b-5c21-4013-924f-a4a3db2c3074/Men+talking+about+emotions+and+feelings Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why telling men to “express their feelings” is not enough. - “I don’t know how to express my feelings” Of course you don’t know how to express feelings well or at all. It does not come easy to everyone, especially men who have been discouraged. SO if a man does not know what to say or how to explain, telling him just to “express his feelings” surely is not enough. As discussed above, you have to learn what you are feeling first. Then you must learn to use words to express your feelings. It will take time to learn to do this, so an important part of expressing feelings with a partner, friend, or loved one, is to ask for what you need in the conversation to feel emotionally safe. Emotionally safe means you are not worried about their response, you will be accepted even if they disagree with what you say. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/b6055bf6-715f-43dc-97fe-042b70210d1f/Men%27s+mental+health+ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why telling men to “express their feelings” is not enough. - “I am not comfortable expressing my feelings to others” Men may not feel comfortable expressing their feelings to others for good reason. It could be lack of knowledge or practice with these things, yes. It can also be other barriers we don’t acknowledge often enough: The man may not have people in their life that are emotionally safe for them. Even if they follow guidance on how to communicate their feelings effectively, who will be there to receive it? If they have relationships that lack emotional intimacy and closeness, or maybe they are just unhealthy relationships… there is no one to turn to. The man may have beliefs that being emotional is not okay. They might feel a lot of shame for talking about feelings and being vulnerable. Men are bombarded with messages about what it looks like to be “a man”, so even if they know they should talk to someone or want closer relationships, shame might stop them or make it REALLY difficult. The people in their lives might also believe that a man being emotional is not okay. Let’s face it, men are not the only people who have unhelpful beliefs about gender. The people in their lives may be judgemental about an emotional man or one who is expressive. This is a huge barrier. The rest of us need to check our own discomfort and be open and non-judgemental for the men in our lives. https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/should-a-man-see-a-male-counselor monthly 0.5 2023-09-22 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/c743f0c5-4d4b-44f6-9db6-b407f0eaed3f/male+or+female+counselor+preference Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Should a man see a male counselor? - Do Men Prefer Male or Female Counselors? You may have some ideas about what gender of therapists men tend to prefer - but - the statistics show that most men are actually open to either: About 60% of men don’t have any preference of the gender of their therapist. About 20% would prefer to see a male therapist. About 20% would prefer to see a female therapist. But when it comes down to it - what really matters isn’t what “most men” tend to prefer…it’s what you would prefer as an individual. Men are much more satisfied in therapy when they see a therapist of the gender they prefer. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/521c73f7-df32-4d66-9f2d-af987d17ea2c/thunder+bay+ontario+therapy+for+men Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Should a man see a male counselor? - On Feeling Emasculated in Therapy Feeling like you’re less of a man is just a really shitty experience. When it happens in a therapist's office, it can be doubly painful. Because of the stigma placed on men receiving mental health counseling in our society, there are beliefs that men often carry inside of them that leave them nervous and slightly emasculated with the idea of going to therapy at all. I often have men say things to me like: I just shouldn’t even have to be seeing a therapist a all. If I was a real man I wouldn’t even need counseling. I’m just not strong enough - that’s why I need counseling. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/e79acfb7-6103-487d-a678-ca99842ef79d/therapy+for+men Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Should a man see a male counselor? - On men feeling less satisfied in therapy if they see a therapist of a different gender than they prefer. Research shows when men see a therapist of a different gender than they would prefer - their overall satisfaction of therapy decreases. Again, both men and women are effective counselors…but it’s all about helping you, as a unique individual, get a good therapy match for you personally. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/eaf1c219-d114-4c43-b8c1-71da177c9d83/Should+I+see+a+male+counselor%3F Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Should a man see a male counselor? - 5 Questions to Help You Determine If You Would Prefer a Male or Female Therapist Once again for the people in the back: Both male and female counselors are equally capable of working with men. However, statistically you are likely to feel more satisfied with therapy if you see a therapist of the gender you prefer. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/402b4a2c-536e-4951-a957-caae8e2c1695/Travis+Jeffords+Male+Counselor+Winston+Salem.jpg Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Should a man see a male counselor? - GUEST BLOGGER Are you a man dominated by anger, criticism, or anxiety? Do your relationships suffer because of them? Do you secretly hate yourself and think there's something wrong with you? I've been there. I get it. I help men find peace with themselves and with others. Travis Jeffords | LCMHCA, MDiv Get more essential mental health advice tailor made just for men at Travis’ website, www.travisjeffords.com https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/low-self-esteem-in-men monthly 0.5 2025-02-12 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/252088ee-d3eb-407b-bd3f-a57d61a1f9ea/men+and+low+self+esteem Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Low Self-Esteem in Men: 5 Tips to combat it. - #1 Acknowledge insecurities. If you pretend like everything is okay and try to hide from the fact that your self esteem is not where you want it to be, then nothing will ever change. This is a common coping or protective behaviour I see in men. Men may hide their true feelings so fiercely that it makes it hard to even acknowledge painful feelings and thoughts to themselves. Try to practice allowing the feeling of low-self-esteem or inadequacy to exist, rather than immediately pushing it away. What helps get you through tough feelings is sitting with it and acknowledging it, not pretending or hiding. Acknowledgement is the first step in tackling any changes you want to make. It’s strategic. It’s looking at the facts of the situation so you can know how to move forward and make changes. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/19613e93-a3b9-4d3d-9e17-6d4c1258fe5a/Therapy+for+men+with+low+self+esteem+in+Ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Low Self-Esteem in Men: 5 Tips to combat it. - #2 Prove it wrong. What can happen when you struggle with low self esteem is tunnel vision or rigid thinking. Men, you may easily tap into those critical thoughts and beliefs about yourself, while summoning the positive thoughts feels like more effort. This is a common struggle for men with low self esteem. Part of this might be a lack of practice. If the experiences in our lives have been motivation through criticism, like a parent or a coach, we may learn that that’s how you elicit change in your life, rather than motivation through empowerment. So men, it’s time to practice. I bet you can come up with a list of things you don’t do well or do wrong or are not up to snuff. This exercise is that, but reversed. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/d45ed465-02bf-46ed-8a10-4bd1409d4683/Low+self+confidence+for+men%2C+self+esteem+counselling Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Low Self-Esteem in Men: 5 Tips to combat it. - #3 Prioritize relationships. What does relationships have to do with self-esteem? What I have seen with men in relationships is a difficulty being vulnerable about their feelings, attending to their partners needs, and developing deep close connections. Men who experience this can fall into a sense of loneliness. It is having relationships, but feeling disconnected. When men have deep relationships with others, they will feel seen, heard, and understood. Of course, this requires men to be open to sharing and having partners ready to receive that. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/f51b5525-4fa4-4aba-9a75-cfc343b002a8/Tips+for+improving+low+self+esteem+in+men Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Low Self-Esteem in Men: 5 Tips to combat it. - #4 Take a values inventory. Take a look at whether you are living a life aligned with your values. Often what I see in therapy for men is when men behave in a way that doesn’t fit with what they believe to be important, causing an immense amount of shame. Sometimes they might not know what those values even are and feel lost or stuck instead. A values inventory is identifying what is important to you, not what others may think is important. When you identify your values and are able to make decisions that align with them you can be proud. When you have a purposeful approach to who you want to be and what you want to do, you’re not wandering anymore. You have a roadmap that you can look back on when you start to feel lost again. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/9ffaab8c-496a-4f4d-94ec-6b502c879d1e/Counselling+for+men+with+low+self+esteem Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Low Self-Esteem in Men: 5 Tips to combat it. - #5 Acceptance Self-improvement is a key experience in our lives. There is always room for improvement, which can improve our self esteem. However, there has to also be acceptance. This is because you can’t always be looking to the future to feel joy, but also because there may be pieces of yourself that you cannot change. Consider that who you are, what you do, and what you look like might be enough, even if there’s room for growth. Learn to show yourself compassion for who you are right at this moment. Accept that not everyone will like you, there will always be someone with more, others who are better looking or have more money, or that the past cannot be changed. Accept that you may not like everything, but it is what it is. Don’t allow expectations that are not able to be grasped in this moment to steal possibility for good feelings. https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/why-men-dont-talk-about-their-mental-health monthly 0.5 2024-02-05 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/21c39e0e-c9eb-4e00-8458-e9f3f7b71ca9/Mens+mental+health+therapy+in+Ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why men don’t talk about their mental health. - “Talking about mental health as a man feels embarrassing.” When men talk about their mental health or painful emotions, they may experience the feeling of embarrassment. Men may feel as if they have just revealed a piece of themselves that smudges the image of the stoic man they try to uphold. Men may feel like they are allowing others to see the cracks in the building. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1687901251173-4XP88BRPT75IHG1TV1V1/Man+dont+feel+comfortable+talking+about+mental+health Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why men don’t talk about their mental health. - “When it comes to my mental health, I have no one to talk to.” Isolation and independence. Being independent or not needing anyone is something that is commonly encouraged for men. On the surface it sounds good to be a self-reliant man. Unfortunately, too much of this means men’s relationships are not prioritized, relationships are surface-level, or relationships of importance don’t exist. Some people may ask why it is a problem that you don’t have close relationships. The problem is men are humans and humans are relational creatures. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/9f226585-6bd4-4e86-a7c4-b03468e60607/Men+don%27t+want+to+talk+about+mental+health+thunder+bay Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why men don’t talk about their mental health. - Emotional safety Another reason men may feel they have no one to talk to about their mental health is because they don’t feel safe talking about their mental health with others. The man may not have people in their life that receive their mental health struggle with empathy and support, even if they feel close to and feel love for those people. Men may struggle with believing it is okay to be emotional and struggle with mental health, but let’s be real: everyone else struggles with this belief too. Those of us who are not men may also hold unhelpful beliefs about gender, like men shouldn't cry or experience sadness outwardly. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/50feef35-fb5e-49fa-a26f-f6e672ff8ba8/therapy+for+men+in+ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why men don’t talk about their mental health. - “If I am struggling, I will be a burden.” Men may not want to talk about mental health because they don’t want to feel like a burden to others. Men may have learned that getting emotional or struggling with their mental health is an inconvenience for others. Men may have grown up being criticised when they tried to open up about emotions. This may have looked like dismissal: “You’re fine”, or minimising: “It’s not that bad” or something about being a girl (which is a whole other topic to unpack). https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1687901808961-AEMPVF2CS4HNRNF2RB1Z/Men+struggling+with+mental+health+in+Ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why men don’t talk about their mental health. - “Struggling with mental health means I am weak.” Men commonly are socialised in a certain way in western culture. Part of this is to be strong and not weak. For men, strength means to show composure, despite what is going on inside. So when a man is struggling with his mental health, which he naturally will perceive as a risk of exposing weakness or a break in his composure, he feels shame. A man may feel this shame because he sees himself not living up to societal or cultural standards. Everyone wants to be accepted and belong. Not being what a man is “supposed to be” threatens this. In reality though, pretending not to struggle makes you more “weak” because you're not attending to it. Just like a physical injury, pretending your emotional injury is not there or hoping it goes away only works for so long before you’re in a major crisis. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/350e216f-fa22-4bec-ab96-b87969b97d5f/Why+men+don%27t+talk+about+their+mental+health. Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why men don’t talk about their mental health. - Men, when it comes to your mental health, listen up: Talking about your emotions and mental health does not mean you are weak. Strength means you have the courage to face something difficult (like an emotional injury), head-on. https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/tips-for-men-going-to-therapy monthly 0.5 2024-02-05 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/a38c00cf-f40d-42e9-ae3c-37a26dac1876/Psychotherapy+in+Ontario+for+men+tips Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Tips for men going to therapy. - Therapy isn’t just for severe mental illness or childhood trauma. If you are coming to therapy for severe mental illness or childhood trauma that is great too, but please know it is for so much more. Luckily the psychotherapy world has expanded and it’s becoming more normal to seek support through therapy for many of life’s struggles. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/d165cc89-711e-4b6d-b2b4-194ae3f262a1/Online+therapy+for+men+in+ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Tips for men going to therapy. - Find YOUR therapist. What do I mean by YOUR therapist? I mean, the relationship you have with the therapist is very important. You have to work well with the person you choose. The therapist that might be a fit for me, might not jive with you, your personality, or their approach to therapy. Therapists come from different backgrounds in many ways: personal life experiences, education and licensure, and modality training. Modalities are the approaches the therapist uses to practice that is backed by a theory and model (ex. Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, Narrative Therapy, Emotion-Focused Therapy, Psychodynamic, Play Therapy, Internal Family Systems Therapy, Solution-Focused Therapy etc.). Which modality or approach may not be an important factor for you when choosing a therapist. This is because you probably are not sure what they mean! Understandably. The important part is that if you don't like the approach your therapist is using in therapy, just know that there are many diverse types of therapists and approaches. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/c83be5f2-912a-4287-ab7b-1fdd3a2abca6/Tips+for+men+going+to+therapy Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Tips for men going to therapy. - Read the paperwork. This might seem obvious, but too often people breeze through the very important details of paperwork. Men, I want you to read your service agreement or intake paperwork (the titles of documents might vary therapist to therapist) carefully so in the event something happens, like a breach of confidentiality or a missed appointment, you know what the expectations are of you and your therapist. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/140cebfa-ae8a-4d68-b7f3-582a4f844364/Therapy+for+men+thunder+bay+ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Tips for men going to therapy. - Keep an open mind. Men, if you are going to therapy for the first time, it can be really f**king scary. Even when I explain to men seeking therapy what therapy is about and how I approach it, I know that they just have to experience it to fully understand how it functions. This is me encouraging you to take the plunge. Jump in, try it out. This doesn't mean you have to go to the first appointment and share EVERYTHING. You can have your boundaries and limits. I often tell men that “you don't have to share anything you don't want to” because it is just not helpful to push someone too hard. Being open-minded is more about being willing to participate in the process and try some new things. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/7a614338-5924-4dd2-b98f-f7c221f0cd18/Tips+for+men+going+to+therapy+in+Ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Tips for men going to therapy. - Commit to therapy. If you’re going to take the plunge to do therapy, then jump in! Find a time that works for you and schedule it in, meaning every Tuesday at 2 or every second Thursday at 10. Have this be a regular part of your life until you feel like you don’t need it anymore. Don’t do an appointment and wait 4 weeks then wait again until you feel like your schedule opens up. You have to commit to going regularly to see progress. https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/why-am-i-so-irritable monthly 0.5 2024-02-05 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/fccec014-3de9-4ba6-ac51-92dd5873a45d/What+is+irritability Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why am I so irritable? - What is irritability? Words I use to describe irritability are: “easily annoyed” “sensitive” “testy” “on the cusp of anger”. My favourite phrase to describe irritability though is “reaching your emotional capacity”. Emotional capacity is in other words, your emotional bandwidth or ability to tolerate. Irritability means you are at your limit of what you can tolerate emotionally and your body is signalling its limit. This perfectly aligns with the feeling of being “on edge”. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1682696175058-HYHZ3GQS4OPI1LH3XG1Y/Why+am+I+so+irritable Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why am I so irritable? - Some examples: Overstimulation Work/Life balance Anxiety Childhood trauma Pre/post-partum Caregiving Racism Life transition ie. retirement Hunger Grief Relationship problems Depression Sexism Mental Illness Hormonal issues Job loss PTSD Physical illness Poor sleep Financial strain Ableism Dehydration Loneliness Stress Recent trauma Sexism Attending school https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/2da8c369-9a6c-43c1-ba48-18d5c01ae579/Counselling+thunder+bay+ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why am I so irritable? - Our capacity fluctuates There will be times in your life where capacity is limited and you will feel more irritable. Like in the examples above, you may have a newborn baby or are having physical health issues or grieving a loss, and you will have a persistent drain on your emotional capacity that will leave you feeling more irritable than at other times in your life. Honour what your body is telling you. Your emotional capacity is not a deficiency. Irritability is your mind and body signalling its boundary because its energy is going to other things (really valid and important things I am guessing). https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1682696655507-BXSRFYUAAAHKJEO1UPE6/What+causes+irritability%3F Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why am I so irritable? - Your capacity differs from other people When, where, how, and why you get irritable is going to differ from other people. I may be very irritable when I go through a big life transition, while someone else has a different tolerance and can manage it with ease. There are so many reasons why those irritable tendencies differ. The simple explanation is that we all come from different upbringings, families, schools, cultures, communities, and have so many different life experiences that will change the way we react to certain things. Even siblings who grow up in the same household can have drastically different life experiences for example. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/4f850463-cadb-4ee8-8eec-f7b795a6480a/irritability+counselling+thunder+bay Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why am I so irritable? - Irritability tip Take care of your baseline aka your basic needs. This means: Rest. Sleep. Eat. Nourish. Hydrate. The health of your physical body is going to affect how much you can manage and tolerate emotionally. Not caring for yourself can cause irritability. Now, there are obviously exceptions to this, where some people have physical ailments or disabilities that will always exist. This just means you need to be aware that any physical strain may limit that emotional tolerance. Remember: your capacity is not someone else’s. Finally, pay attention to your body. If it’s saying something, get it checked out. Irritability or mood change can be a sign there’s something else going on, like an undiagnosed physical or mental health issue. https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/5-reasons-it-is-difficult-to-take-responsibility-for-your-actions monthly 0.5 2024-02-05 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/606e8c81-ff61-46cd-81a9-7656527b98c1/unsplash-image-6UyWK8mDcWo.jpg Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - 5 Reasons it is difficult to take responsibility for your actions. - Taking responsibility for your actions was never modelled. Caregivers are the ones we look to the most for modelling behaviour when young. So think back: Can you remember your parents or caregivers saying “I messed up” “I’m sorry”? Maybe things were often brushed under the rug and never spoken about? This is where nobody even talks about what happened, let alone taking responsibility for it. You also could have had responsibility put back on you in situations where it should not have been. This might have looked like: Caregivers minimizing their behaviour if you voiced they hurt your feelings for example, like you were being too sensitive. OR having caregivers repeatedly deny responsibility for their actions altogether, like telling you the situation didn't happen like you think it did. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/2a2d4960-8b78-4b71-bb34-855dee992051/unsplash-image-d9Y3rLu_j48.jpg Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - 5 Reasons it is difficult to take responsibility for your actions. - 2. Taking responsibility for your actions feels bad. Let’s just admit this one: Taking responsibility for your actions, which are usually actions you’re not proud of, feels bad. Taking responsibility for your actions often involves a negative consequence for your behaviour, like hurting someone else. OOF. Most people are not looking to make others feel bad. The guilt can be overwhelming. It may even go as far as shame, where you are questioning your character, like am I a bad person? Am I a bad Parent? Am I a bad partner? To avoid this awful feeling of taking responsibility for your actions, you choose to protect yourself from the reality you did wrong or that this behaviour is a reflection of your overall character. So you deflect or deny. It might look like manipulating the other person’s narrative in your favour, so it looks like less or not your fault at all. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/216c5b7f-2a67-429e-8f4d-1cc54cba6902/unsplash-image-eT_P7zBUtr8.jpg Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - 5 Reasons it is difficult to take responsibility for your actions. - 4. Perfectionism can lead to not taking responsibility for your actions. Perfectionism is when you have impossibly high standards for yourself. You may think in “black and white”, for example: you succeed or you fail, no in-between. First off, this is exhausting. Further though, similar to low-self-esteem, the threat is to the image you are used to giving others. In this case, the image you want others to see is perfection. Deep down you may believe messing up and not being perfect means you are not good enough, unworthy, or unloveable. So of course when you do mess up, which again you inevitably will, you will do whatever it takes to avoid taking responsibility for your actions. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/8c91d395-674b-4948-91f4-be7c291d9818/unsplash-image-alw-CwGFmwQ.jpg Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - 5 Reasons it is difficult to take responsibility for your actions. - 5. You avoid taking responsibility for your actions because you hate confrontation. Don’t like confrontation? This is so common. Being in a vulnerable conversation where emotions are high can be uncomfortable. It is even more uncomfortable when you are the one responsible for someone’s hurt and you messed up. This fear of confrontation and conflict though, may be a response to situations in your past where conflict was handled poorly (or worse). Think about how confrontation and conflict was handled in your household growing up. Maybe conversations got heated, voices were raised, and nothing got resolved. Witnessing this is scary, so of course you avoid it. Now, how was conflict handled when you were involved? Were you able to go to your caregivers with a concern, thought, or feeling and it was received well? OR were you always the cause of the problem, too sensitive, exaggerating, or just ignored? https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/bfb0fecd-8bf7-4cad-ab1f-f7cb619a6b7b/unsplash-image-3TSyMrZj5ik.jpg Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - 5 Reasons it is difficult to take responsibility for your actions. - You may not even know you’re avoiding taking responsibility for your actions. Sometimes not taking responsibility for your actions is a behaviour you are not aware of. You may have gained the understanding that you suck it up and move on, don't complain. AND everyone else should too. You don’t see how you’ve played a part or that your part even matters. You think: MOVE ON! Get over it. Sometimes what can happen too, is when you have had poor responses by caregivers, like being blamed or ignored, with your experiences and feelings never being acknowledged, is that it becomes hard to validate others’ pain when your pain has never been validated. Like, “Wait, why am I giving space for their emotional pain if mine has never got to take up space?” https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/how-to-find-a-therapist-in-ontario monthly 0.5 2024-02-05 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/24142ba1-25a7-4a2a-97bc-124898e890b8/How+to+find+a+therapist+Ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to find a therapist in Ontario - Where to look when finding a therapist in Ontario Therapist Directories Therapist directories are a common source for finding a therapist in Ontario. Basically, you have a list of different therapists that have provided information about themselves and their practice in their profile; It’s kind of like the therapist yellow pages. Then you get to sort through to find the best match. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/fda4070d-110d-4e6d-97ea-51f80b573e4a/Ontario+therapist+search Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to find a therapist in Ontario - Common directories used when searching for a therapist in Ontario: Psychology Today Theravive NetworkTherapy.com Therapy for Black Girls Healing in Colour Inclusive Therapists Open Path Collective Heads Up Guys Online-therapy.com If you recommend any others, please share in the comment section on the bottom of this page. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/5190bb7c-4558-46da-be44-dd0bd8ce2b93/Finding+a+therapist+in+Ontario+who+takes+NIHB Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to find a therapist in Ontario - Non-Insured Health Benefits (NIHB) If you are a First Nations or Inuit person, coverage is available under Non-Insured Health Benefits for mental health counselling. The contact information below is the client information line that can help direct you to providers that are approved under Non-Insured Health Benefits (NIHB). Telephone (toll free): 1-800-640-0642 Some therapist directories in Ontario may have this as an option when filtering your search. Another way is contact a local Indigenous organization that may have NIHB counsellors or else be able to recommend some providers, like Indigenous Friendship Centres. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/0824f56b-7cf9-4c2f-b3e2-490a3f3f29a6/Google+find+a+therapist+in+Ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to find a therapist in Ontario - Google search Googling “therapist near me” may be your first instinct here and it actually might work. What you’ll find is likely the more popular counselling centres near you, as those websites get the most traction. This may be exactly what you need. Another approach is to get more specific. If you want a “therapist near you” or “therapist online ontario” but know the specific issue you want help with, then your search might yield better results with more specificity. For example: “couples counselling thunder bay” or “anger management therapy barrie” or “eating disorder therapist ottawa”. Play around with this and you may see different therapists in Ontario pop-up. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/fc99b72a-9693-413e-be03-1dff52ad571b/Using+social+media+to+find+a+therapist Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to find a therapist in Ontario - Therapists on social media More and more therapists are using social media in Ontario to advertise their services. Think Instagram, Tiktok, Facebook, and even Pinterest. As a therapist who uses social media myself (See me on Instagram @olsen.psychotherapy), I am biassed, yet I can share why I find it such a useful tool for those trying to find a therapist in Ontario. The main reason why I say social media for finding a therapist in Ontario is a good tool is: https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/0ff03391-35eb-47f7-bb57-bbb2fd485eec/Social+media+ontario+therapist Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to find a therapist in Ontario - Tips for searching social media for an Ontario therapist: For Instagram and TikTok… Hashtags would be my recommendation in finding a therapist in Ontario. Now, the algorithm may already be showing you different therapist accounts if you are a consumer of mental health content normally. Aside from that, try out different hashtags like. #onlinetherapyontario #anxietycounselling #thunderbaytherapist #postpartumdepressiontoronto. Remember, therapists are only licensed or regulated to provide therapy in certain provinces and states. If you find a therapist’s content you like, but they are not in your service area, you could reach out to them to see if they know of other therapist accounts in your area via direct messaging, or if they do question and answers in their stories. If you’re lucky enough, they may even send out a mass inquiry on their account for a therapist in your area with that speciality (that’s what I would do at least). https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/ddc1aee9-bb88-4b5c-9607-f32de298fa95/Recommendations+for+therapy+in+Ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to find a therapist in Ontario - Ask around Friends or family Do you have a friend who has gone to therapy and can help you navigate? They may even have a friend of a friend who saw a therapist in Ontario they would recommend. Doesn’t hurt to ask. Former therapist This may be a weird one, but if you have gone to therapy previously, asking your last therapist who they recommend is an option. They might not have been a good fit or you are looking to talk about a specific issue they don’t specialise in. For example, you saw them for individual therapy and you want couples therapy. So reach out and see if they have a few names for you to check out. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/eb41bdeb-6b40-4aff-b03c-ea967dd25cd9/Ontario+therapist+search Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to find a therapist in Ontario - Specialities or areas of interest The therapist may call these specialities, or simply “services”, but it is the topics that they list they can help with. The therapist has identified particular experiences or issues that they are knowledgeable about. Under their regulatory body (where they are regulated or licensed to practice psychotherapy) they will have requirements for them to be sufficiently knowledgeable in order to be advertising this. You may come across therapists who are “generalists”, which means they help with many issues and don’t have a short-list of things they help with. You may ask: Does this mean they can’t help me? Not necessarily. Every therapist has a different scope of knowledge. This means therapists can’t know everything about every topic someone is coming to therapy for. Even for generalists, they will have topics that are beyond their ability to know and help with despite not identifying specific issues they specialize. For example, I do not practice family therapy, but I have completed courses in the topic and would feel competent helping a client navigate family conflict if they brought it to therapy. If a client wanted help for their eating disorder however, I would not be knowledgeable enough to ethically help with this and need to refer out to another therapist or hire a supervisor who is an eating disorder therapist. What I would advise: If the therapist’s website or other marketing is unclear on their experience with your issue, ask them if they have worked with someone who has had your issue or has additional training in that area. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/928a89c1-09dd-43cf-b8aa-60baa71beacd/unsplash-image-ahHn48-zKWo.jpg Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to find a therapist in Ontario - Fees & coverage Government-funded Psychotherapy Unfortunately in Ontario, Ontario Health Insurance Plan (OHIP) does not cover psychotherapy or counselling services unless provided by a medical doctor. Seeing as most doctors are not providing this service this coverage makes little sense. Those in Ontario are still having to pay out of pocket to get mental health counselling and therapy support other than a few exceptions. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/669042d7-c617-4103-8c45-ddcfd31ca510/Low+cost+therapy+options+in+Ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to find a therapist in Ontario - No or low cost options Don’t worry too much though if you are not in a financial place to spend. There are options for finding a therapist in Ontario with no or low cost. There are community mental health agencies, multidisciplinary health services (like in a hospital or doctor office), or cultural or religious organisations that can provide therapy or counselling in Ontario at no cost. This is because they may have government grants or funding that they’ve applied for, supported by a charity, or have alternative revenue streams that make this possible. Sliding Scale In private therapy practices, some therapists may have a “sliding scale”, which is fees that can “slide” from their regular fee to accommodate those who have financial strain. Some therapist directories like Psychology Today or the actual therapists’ websites will specify this. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1986621f-7056-4e57-b0a7-f0bb5192f859/who+can+practice+psychotherapy+in+ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to find a therapist in Ontario - Qualifications Therapists will only be able to practice where they are licensed and regulated. This means if you find a therapist in British Columbia that you want to do online therapy with, but you live in Ontario, you will not be able to access their services unless they for some reason are also licensed and registered with an Ontario regulatory body. Even then, regulatory bodies will differ on whether there is restrictions for providing services if the therapist is living outside the province. Also, there are only certain licensed and regulated professions in Ontario that are able to practise psychotherapy; These professions are: https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/44e88e85-fdf1-424e-8a97-a934141b8f05/therapy+vs.+psychotherapy+Ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to find a therapist in Ontario - “Therapy” vs. “psychotherapy” You’ll notice that I have repeatedly used the term “therapy”. This is commonly short-hand for “psychotherapy”. It can get muddy though because other professions may use “therapy” like physical therapy or massage therapy, that is not short-hand for “psychotherapy”. Generally speaking, when people use the short-hand “therapy” when speaking about mental health care, they are referring to “psychotherapy” and only certain professions are able to provide that service and call themselves a “psychotherapist”. This is because “psychotherapy” is considered a controlled act under the Regulated Health Professions Act, 1991 (RHPA) due to the risk of harm for clients if performed by an unqualified person. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/2804a6dc-9eeb-4cec-9131-04bd40bedb70/counselling+vs.+psychotherapy+in+Ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to find a therapist in Ontario - “Psychotherapy” vs. “counselling” The terms “psychotherapy” and “counselling” are often used interchangeably. This is because there is overlap. Here is the definition that the Ontario College of Social Workers & Social Service Workers (OCSWSSW) provides: “Psychotherapy services are defined as ‘any form of treatment for psycho-social or emotional difficulties, behavioural maladaptations and/or other problems that are assumed to be of an emotional nature, in which a College member establishes a professional relationship with a client for the purposes of promoting positive personal growth and development.’ Counselling services are defined as ‘services provided within the context of a professional relationship with the goal of assisting clients in addressing issues in their lives by such activities as helping clients to find solutions and make choices through exploration of options, identification of strengths and needs, locating information and providing resources, and promoting a variety of coping strategies, but do not include psychotherapy services.’” - Practice Guidelines for Performing the Controlled Act of Psychotherapy p. 5 Click to read more of this article from the OCSWSSW website. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/4be85bc5-a8a7-4681-bf06-8fe6afcd28f8/Questions+to+ask+when+finding+a+therapist+in+Ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to find a therapist in Ontario - Other questions to consider when looking for a therapist in Ontario: Do you provide in-person or online services? Are you LGBTQ-affirming? Do you have experience working with someone of my race, ethnicity, or cultural background? What are your appointment hours? Do you have requirements for how often appointments must be? (Ex. Weekly, bi-weekly, monthly). Can I bring a support person to my first session? Does your building have a ramp or elevator? Do you diagnose mental health conditions? Have you completed additional training recently to maintain your competency? What is your approach to therapy? What can I expect? Do you have experience providing therapy for my specific issue? Can I make appointments on an emergency basis? Do you have a free consultation? Which forms of payment can I use? What can I expect in your waiting room? Is there any other questions for a therapist you can think of? If so, add your advice in the comment section. https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/what-to-do-when-angry-and-cant-leave-the-situation monthly 0.5 2024-02-05 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1675784786415-GIDX2GNHSSTV3JWDUII9/unsplash-image-DRzYMtae-vA.jpg Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - What to do when angry and can’t leave the situation. - Step #1 - STOP When you get the point that you know your anger is telling you to act in ways that are unhelpful, like yell, name-call, physically put your hands on someone etc., and you can’t come up with a helpful idea, or just don’t feel capable in that moment; Just stop. This is something to purposefully remind yourself about when calm, that when I get to the point (you know which one) and I can’t leave but I want to avoid making it worse, I need to just stop. This means no talking or moving. You can do this. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/902e2dd1-4c95-4ed3-8235-bfa3c05d0abd/Managing+anger+when+you+can%27t+leave+but+don%27t+want+to+make+anger+worse Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - What to do when angry and can’t leave the situation. - Visualizing Close your eyes if you are able to. Imagine a calming place. This could be: Laying in a field watching the clouds Standing on shore letting the water cover your feet Playing fetch with your dog Fishing on the lake with the sun beating down https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/af43373c-339f-4d09-b605-cbba9382bf03/What+to+do+when+angry.+Anger+management+tips+for+men Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - What to do when angry and can’t leave the situation. - Moving your body Usually I would say a sprint, walk, or other physical exertion, but you may not be in a space where that is possible. This movement will look different when you are in a situation you can’t leave. Instead, it may look like jumping jacks, stretching your body, or squats to get some of that angry energy out https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/9495d42a-14e9-4639-95da-40b6dd91fce8/When+you+can%27t+leave+the+situation+and+are+angry.+Anger+management+tips. Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - What to do when angry and can’t leave the situation. - Challenging your mind Try to name as many countries as you can, count by adding +3, or playing a game on your phone. This is my favourite way to shift focus because you actually have to focus in order to complete the task. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/4325933a-4c4d-45c2-93ed-efd4d6a99933/Anger+management+tips+when+angry+and+can%27t+leave+the+situation Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - What to do when angry and can’t leave the situation. - Engaging the senses Hear Try noticing the sounds around you like cars on the highway or your own breathing. OR put on headphones and listen to music. Smell Light a candle, put on scented cream, or smell your coffee. Taste Chew fruity gum or take a sip of a bubbly drink. Sight Watch tv, the clouds go by, or people watch. Touch Feel the sensation of your feet planted on the ground, your bum on the seat, or back against the chair. Rub your hands on your legs, pet your dog, or feel a soft blanket. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/42838a78-0c2e-4890-a68e-42714342de02/What+to+do+when+angry+and+can%27t+leave+the+situation Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - What to do when angry and can’t leave the situation. - Step #3 Observe Observe your body. What are you feeling other than anger? What are the physical sensations? For example, is your heart beating, feeling sweaty? What thoughts are you having? Ex. “I can’t believe they said that, so disrespectful”. What is your anger telling you to do? Ex. yell, confront, silent treatment. Try to notice and label your experience. I am feeling angry. I did not like what they said. I feel overwhelmed. Observe the events, and try to be objective. What are the facts of the situation? Think about what the consequences would be of reacting angrily. What would it look like if you raised your voice, said something rude back, or were passive aggressive etc.? What are the positives of not reacting out of anger? All of this is to gather information so you proceed more thoughtfully, rather than impulsively. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/3d0bc8f7-8ec8-4c69-bc46-3b1ec89abff1/Can%27t+leave+the+situation%2C+anger+management Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - What to do when angry and can’t leave the situation. - Step #4 Proceed You have stopped yourself from taking any actions, taken a moment to shift focus and reduce the intensity of your anger, and observed yourself and the situation. It’s time to use that information you have gathered to decide how to proceed. While contemplating about how to not make anger worse and the situation, also include what is best for the long-term. Our anger wants us to act NOW and QUICK to protect us. What we have to practice is considering whether those anger urges are helpful long-term. For example, If I let that person know how I honestly feel in this moment in a harsh tone, will it escalate or repair the conflict? OR do I wait until I can fully calm down, gather my thoughts and reflect on my feelings, and have a talk tomorrow where I can be in a state to communicate well and listen to them also? (My vote is for the latter option). Acting on those urges quickly is when we end up with regret. We always want to strive for balancing our emotions with our thinking brain, which can most often lead us to a more balanced decision. An option to proceed might be simple, like telling the person you’re with: “I am feeling really angry right now. It’s not a good time for me to discuss this. I am going to cool off and we can find a time to talk later.” https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/is-it-bad-to-not-talk-about-your-feelings monthly 0.5 2024-02-09 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/715aa06a-e60c-4952-974b-f67f50925632/Men+talking+about+their+feelings. Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Is it bad to not talk about your feelings? - Relief Saying how you feel out loud can feel relieving. It doesn’t mean everything is solved, but saying how you feel helps make the feeling less intense. Having the emotion feel less strong can give you a better idea on how to deal with the situation that caused the feeling. (Your thinking brain doesn’t work as well when you are having strong feelings). Validation Saying how you feel out loud and having someone respond empathetically is relief and validation. Often when we are prone to not talking about our feelings it’s because deep down we believe our feelings are not valid or worthy of being acknowledged. That is why you ignore or pretend they’re not there. You can give yourself that validation too though, even if you don’t have an empathetic responder. Remind yourself “This is how I feel & others don’t have to agree”. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/7d45855e-5169-47e3-8baf-2a0491eb74f7/Therapy+for+men+to+talk+about+feelings. Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Is it bad to not talk about your feelings? - Better relationships Saying things out loud in your relationships can increase closeness and connection aka intimacy. Not sharing how you feel can make relationships feel surface level. Also, if we aren’t sharing how things affect us, how can we effectively problem-solve conflict with our spouse or friends? They may end up missing something or not gettin it right, which increases resentment for you but they don’t know what they don’t know. Sharing feelings is giving them more information to collaborate with you in the relationship. You may feel lonely as well when you aren’t sharing emotionally. You can be in relationships with people and not be alone, but still feel lonely. This is because you might only be showing others a part of you, what you want them to see, and not the real you. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/c50c5609-67c9-4f19-aacd-5c5cc016fb0f/Therapy+for+men+Thunder+Bay+Ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Is it bad to not talk about your feelings? - Talking about the facts of the situation So you’re able to talk about what happened and why, the details, reasons, explanations BUT never actually talk about how it makes you feel. This is called intellectualizing; You’re removing the emotion out of it to avoid the stress of talking about the event. Find others to articulate your feelings You seek validation and explanation in podcasts, books, music, professionals on social media. This is actually a great way to learn about yourself and your experiences. You have to be careful though, because this can be another way to intellectualize and avoid processing and talking about the feelings. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/8e1b7c32-abb7-4eee-9772-97da14c40df0/Is+it+bad+to+not+talk+about+your+feelings%3F+Thunder+Bay Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Is it bad to not talk about your feelings? - Final thoughts Some of these ways of not talking about feelings are perfectly fine. It’s when you only rely on these ways and never say feelings out loud, risking not processing them. This is jarring if you are a man who has grown up understanding that expressing emotions like sadness, affection, or pain is unacceptable, unmanly, or weak. You may intellectually know that talking about emotional stuff is helpful, but there’s still a feeling of shame or self-consciousness that comes up when you do so. Practice expressing yourself with someone you trust or find a therapist. Over time your new experiences with sharing can lessen those feelings of shame. https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/anger-management-tips-for-getting-started monthly 0.5 2024-02-05 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/981e1c07-c71d-4e7c-8b31-03432f9f88dc/Anger+management+thunder+bay Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Anger Management: Tips for getting started. - Anger is an emotion. This may be obvious, but it’s important to make the distinction between anger and angry actions. For example, a well known angry action is aggression. Aggression is not anger, it’s a behaviour, and anger is a feeling that can come before it. Some people don’t get aggressive at all when they’re angry. Angry actions for others might look like the silent treatment or isolating themselves. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/a97fad92-a5dc-4b3b-a073-6cbfbbc8865f/unsplash-image-cxR46yRiJd4.jpg Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Anger Management: Tips for getting started. - Common examples of events that trigger anger. Crowds Waiting in line Job loss Feeling disrespected Someone disagreeing with you Chronic pain Your opinion not taken seriously Driving in traffic No getting what you want Betrayal Texts or calls not answered Overwhelmed Being late Kids not listening Being criticised Losing something important Taken for granted Being interrupted Others entitlement Having too much to do Being excluded Seeing others mistreated https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/12207d3e-f564-4f85-916f-b1b77e62df1a/Tips+for+managing+anger+in+Ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Anger Management: Tips for getting started. - Physical clues for anger. Emotions have sensation in the body. Part of taking the first steps in anger management is to identify what anger feels like in your body. This will help you identify anger faster, so it doesn’t feel like it’s ‘out of the blue’. Typically you will feel sensations that provide you energy when it comes to anger. Physical sensations for anger might look like: Dry mouth Clenched fist Sweating Grinding teeth Headache Stomach ache Beating heart Tingly Feeling hot Tensed muscles Faster breathing Tunnel vision https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/59919930-93a8-4983-8019-ac3ee71394cd/Anger+management+getting+started+in+Thunder+Bay Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Anger Management: Tips for getting started. - Thinking clues for anger. The thoughts that run through your mind when you start to get angry can be helpful clues to whether your thought patterns help or hurt your ability to manage anger. This is because thoughts are not usually factual. Thoughts are reflections of our interpretations. This means the way we think about a triggering event affects whether the anger will escalate and what we do next. For example, a common anger triggering event is someone not taking our opinion seriously. This is not an event that triggers anger for everybody though because others may interpret this situation differently. If I believe my opinion is valuable and important, and even critical to the situation, I will be angry when it’s not taken seriously. If I believe that this other person is smarter than me, and self-conscious about my knowledge on the subject, I might feel embarrassed or small. So we need to look at what thoughts surround the feeling of anger to get a better understanding of how it affects the anger escalating or existing. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/e8885141-53d7-4d8a-baa4-37fbd19355a0/Counselling+for+anger+management+Ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Anger Management: Tips for getting started. - Anger urges. When we feel anger, we will get an urge to act on it. We might be more aware of this one. If you are saying ‘I need anger management’, it’s often because anger is causing behaviours that are affecting your life or well-being. Those behaviours that your anger motivated you to act on are your anger urges. You need to think about what you get the urge to do AND what you actually do. Both will be important. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/a42a1f50-0ecd-4041-a951-fb31f7a2e586/Therapy+for+anger+issues. Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Anger Management: Tips for getting started. - Getting better at anger management. Continue to become more aware of the signs and signals: triggering events, physical sensations, anger thoughts, and anger urges. Monitor, write them down, and get to know your anger really well. It’s helpful to reflect on past experiences, but becoming aware in the moment is going to give you the next data. So keep practising this. Keep a chart with these columns: Date/Time - Situation - Physical Sensations - Thoughts - Urges - Actions https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/how-do-i-become-a-better-father-than-my-father monthly 0.5 2024-02-05 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1670871144237-4VIPZ0XHNH241BHIAMEM/Breaking+the+cycle+of+intergenerational+trauma+with+dads Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How do I become a better father than my father? - Breaking the cycle You may have heard of the term “intergenerational trauma.” Basically, it's how families pass on their trauma through the generations. It’s behaviours developed from trauma that we then unintentionally pass on. For example, your grandfather was in an abusive home and learned to cope by not feeling his emotions. He went on to have his own family, and was emotionally unavailable and unresponsive. He was distant. His sons and daughters learned to be this way as well, and the trauma response is passed along. OR his sons and daughters could learn to be overly responsive to the emotional needs of others around them to make up for the emotional disconnect of emotionally “cut-off” members. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1670871059282-D09K4J1O4JEKJZ1HQI1B/Ontario+counselling+for+men+and+fathers Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How do I become a better father than my father? - Reflect on your experience Obviously you’ve already done some reflection. You know the big stuff you didn’t get from your relationship with your father, but let’s dig a little deeper and see if there’s more to uncover. You could start by asking yourself: What was it about your father that made you want to do fatherhood differently? Let’s flip that on its head though. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/f5e3796b-3c8b-41f5-9fea-ece65f7e048a/Therapy+for+men+and+fathers+Thunder+bay Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How do I become a better father than my father? - Fatherhood reflection exercise: Suppose you went to sleep tonight as a man and woke up still yourself, but your younger self, a boy. Overnight a miracle has happened; Your father is there and he is the father you needed him to be. Ask yourself these questions: How would you know he was that father? What would you notice? What would be different? What else? What would you see? What would you hear? What would you feel? What would he be doing differently? How would you respond? https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/ce34ee18-be41-469a-b365-a46d06edfabf/Becoming+a+better+dad+than+my+father. Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How do I become a better father than my father? - Reflection on your behaviours We cannot look into the future to see if you’ll turn into your father. All you can do is continue to self-reflect, be aware of how you're interacting with your kids, and be open to feedback if you’re co-parenting. Then, when a behaviour is identified, find ways to improve. So, are there already ways you behave that remind you of him? Or maybe there’s behaviours you’re susceptible to. Let’s say the behaviour you are not wanting to repeat as a father is outbursts of anger. You know you have a temper, but you want to be more calm when responding to your kids. 4 places to start: https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1670871404814-TVRMPGGJXK6QA1YNBIMR/New+father+anxiety%2C+Ontario+counselling+for+men. Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How do I become a better father than my father? - Fathers: Remember individual needs of your children Being a good father is also about the individual needs of your children. Our children are individuals born with different temperaments, their own personalities, and even in their short lives have their unique experiences. So as a father, having conversations with your kids and developing a relationship where they can provide feedback to you is important. For example: You may have wanted more affection from your father, and you have a kid who may want less; it’s just not their favourite way to be shown care. You may have wanted more quality time with your father, and your child may desire more independent time with your guidance. So it’s not about imposing your missed experiences with your father, but having in mind the positive ways you know to be a father combined with the input of your children. Getting feedback from your child may look like: “I love you. I know I don’t always say that. Do you like it when I let you know this?” “Is there something that I’ve done to upset you that you’d like to talk about?” “Have I done okay at listening to you?” “Are there ways I can be a better father for you?” https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/why-do-i-get-so-mad monthly 0.5 2024-02-05 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1669757695202-DQXR8N32ZSTBQU9XY1GG/unsplash-image-agGIKYs4mYs.jpg Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why do I get so mad? - #1 There’s a reason to be mad Sometimes there’s just a really good fucking reason to be really angry. Try to check the facts first, without assumptions or interpretations. Example: “She didn’t answer my phone call” FACT; “which means she must be mad at me” INTERPRETATION. Check the facts, gather all the information before having a conclusion. After this, you may still feel like “yup, my anger makes sense right now” I’ll say this, if someone t-bones my car reckless driving: You bet your ass I’ll be really mad. If you get really mad a lot though, and the intensity of the anger doesn’t fit the situations, then consider these other ideas: https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1669757738852-KETZSH0DYRN57WJD5AR8/unsplash-image-4ReskwNsh68.jpg Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why do I get so mad? - #2 The Iceburg: Is there more underneath? Sometimes our anger can be really intense because the situation has touched a wound. Sometimes that wound is so sensitive, your brain and body go into fight mode. It’s protection. Sometimes the anger has something else underneath. That wound may be experiences of abuse or trauma. The wound could be sensitivity to rejection or feeling less than. The iceberg means that we may only be seeing the small part of ice at the top above the water-level, yet there is SO much more underneath. You may see the anger up top, but it may also be sadness, fear, failure, envy, worry, embarrassment, or shame. So your body may recognize this situation or situation like it that made you feel a certain way (ie. shame, fear) and it’s saying: protect, attack, stop it. Basically, your anger may look big because your body is reacting to something so much bigger than just this situation. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1669757878428-OG21IWKCAMMIMWMZD4X5/unsplash-image-Rfnljr9AlDk.jpg Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why do I get so mad? - #3 Managing our emotions can be affected greatly by our health. Feelings can be intensified when we are already feeling unwell or dysregulated in other ways. If you have ailments that you are dealing with, like mental illness or physical illness or injury, it will be more challenging to regulate or get back to a state of calm when an intense emotion arises. I would add that even going through an emotional period in your life, like grief, conflict with a loved one, change or loss of job, new baby etc. will impact your capacity to regulate. We also cannot underestimate the power of basic care. It’s where the fun phrase “Hangry” comes from. It’s true. If we are not taking care of ourselves, like eating, resting, and moving, you are lessening your capacity to manage difficult situations and emotions that come up. https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/8-downsides-of-keeping-things-in monthly 0.5 2024-02-05 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1669231060890-48Z7LPFMEPKT7RE6X22F/Anger+management%2C+ruminating%2C+counselling+thunder+bay. Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - 8 Downsides of keeping things in. - Allows painful feelings to intensify or build up until you explode Keeping things in or ignoring emotions doesn’t make them go away. We need to process difficult, uncomfortable, or painful things in order for them to be released from our body. By keeping things inside, you run the risk of the unwanted emotion becoming more intense and frankly, a nuisance. You might notice your mind racing as you sort through a think about the thing that upset you. You might be feeling increased resentment and getting more fired up as time goes on and you continue to focus on the feeling. What happens for some is that they eventually can’t keep it inside. They may end up exploding their anger on someone else, whether it’s who they were initially upset with or someone who happens to be there. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1669231122699-INW3Y6QH59GEQTW1T86U/Counselling+for+men+in+ontario+who+keep+things+in Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - 8 Downsides of keeping things in. - 4. Limits ability for others to get to know you If we keep everything inside, others will only get to know you on the surface. You may be able to have fun with others and be social, but intimacy that exists with close friend or a spouse requires sharing. When we have close relationships, we want to know why someone is the way they are or find pieces of each other we can relate to: What’s your family like? Who was your first relationship? What’s the most impactful experience you’ve had? Have you ever lost someone? What is something you deeply regret? Have you ever been in love? Tell me what you’re passionate about. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1669231200983-8X4C5T899R8CCN0IFPV7/Relationships%2C+resentment%2C+therapy+for+men+thunder+bay. Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - 8 Downsides of keeping things in. - 5. Increased resentment because others are not responding in ways you need We may learn not to put our “stuff” on others to inconvenience them or make them uncomfortable. We may learn that communicating needs directly is perceived as rude or aggressive. What happens when we are not communicating and sharing about ourselves is that when others respond to us in relationships, they might miss things or get it wrong. Because saying what you feel or want feels impossible, you continue on this cycle while increasing your resentment. You feel frustrated with others. This is unwarranted though. We can’t expect others to guess. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1669231287156-TFTNIP49LB6OZKX4OGUH/Therapy+for+men+in+ontario+to+manage+emotions Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - 8 Downsides of keeping things in. - 6. Difficulty resolving conflict because communication about your true experience and needs is limited Continuing from above, communication is severely tarnished when we keep things in. So when you get into a disagreement with your spouse or boss at work, you may find it difficult to say exactly what is upsetting or show that you are upset. You are restricting the amount of information the other person receives. So how will they understand your views or feelings that are so critical to finding common ground? The answer is they won’t. One or both of you will walk away frustrated and not getting what you need. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1669231341353-99RBSPR0L0JL00VMJGK9/Loneliness%2C+relationships%2C+therapy+for+men Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - 8 Downsides of keeping things in. - 8. Feeling of loneliness, like others don’t know the real you If you are unable to answer questions from the section “limits ability for others to get to know you” with someone else, then you might end up feeling very lonely. Not alone, but lonely. Because we can feel lonely even if we’re around others. Loneliness is a feeling. Keeping things in and only showing people exactly what we want them to see, they will never get to know the real you. You may feel like the fear of others getting to know the real you and rejecting you would be too painful. https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/why-pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps-is-bad-advice monthly 0.5 2024-02-05 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1668705467611-DURG3GXLBFBG0387OFTN/You+don%27t+just+get+over+it%2C+you+must+process+your+feelings.+Olsen+Psychotherapy+Ontario. Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” is bad advice. - Feel worse If we think we shouldn’t ask for help and that getting ahead or over something requires only more effort and motivation, we end up feeling worse when the situation requires something different. Only relying on you and not having help when you need it can leave you feeling overwhelmed, stressed, lonely, and burdened. We all have our limits of what we are able to accomplish, to say just “power-through” is not acknowledging that our bowl may already be overflowing. It also says because you have the emotional capacity that you should push forward and do it on your own. This is bull. I am an advocate of people having more ease. If you can bring in another person or access other resources on your journey, then do it. We cannot believe that if you have a little left in the tank you must drive it. It’s linked to the idea that you must always be useful or accomplish something. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1668705562059-B8588NIF0Z6IBBQEFLGJ/Counselling+Online+Ontario+for+men. Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” is bad advice. - Judgement If we believe these things we might judge others who don’t do things on their own and ask for help. This doesn’t feel so good when you’re the person on the other side in relationship with you. Then you end up judging yourself when you struggle to do it all on your own. You berate yourself for your lack of motivation, skills, perseverance, or whatever else. This ultimately impacts your self-esteem and how you see yourself overall. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/e15d6a0c-cd42-4e9e-8d66-32dd3478f4de/Wife+unhappy+with+relationship+because+you+don%27t+share. Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” is bad advice. - Relationships If we believe we should rely on ourselves and just try harder, we can end up keeping everything inside. We don’t share thoughts and experiences that are sensitive or vulnerable. Sharing is not only a way to process emotions and find release for your strong feelings, it is a way to connect with others. Our relationships can feel distant and disconnected if we don’t share vulnerable and personal things. Simply “getting over it” and keeping it in can make for a frustrating experience for your partner or others. They may see you in a low mood, irritable, or stressed, but your words are saying “I’m fine” because you’ve convinced yourself that maybe you are and even if you're not you don’t reach out. You may be showing your partner that you aren’t a safe place to share either because they’re not getting the same thing back from you. OR you may be displaying the “judgement” we just spoke about. Their sharing, wanting to lean on you, or asking for help may feel very uncomfortable and lead you to dismissing and minimising their emotional stuff. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1668705849955-NS0ID3AWAY6MV6SQITUK/Thunder+Bay+Ontario+therapist+for+men+who+pretend+like+everything+is+okay. Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” is bad advice. - Firstly, having an emotional response to literally everything is normal. The intensity of it and how long it persists varies though for so many reasons. What I know for sure is that believing that my emotions are meaningless or invalid, or trying to stuff feelings away only makes them persist longer, and increase pain and suffering. I’m a bit of a broken record on this topic, but: Ignoring feelings does not make them go away. They’ll just show up shape-shifted. They may end up presenting in feelings that are more socially accepted, like anger or aggression for men for example. That pain may surface as depression or anxiety. It can even have repercussions on your physical health. Long-term emotional suppression has impacts on our system. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1668706001614-IIOBU8OAPZG1F1MNNVWI/Therapy+for+men+who+keep+things+in+and+ignore+their+feelings Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” is bad advice. - Simplifying complex problems By believing we should only rely on ourselves, get over it, and try harder, we are not acknowledging the very real complex barriers to reaching our goals. You may want to be over the loss of your dog for example, but you're not. And if you’re not, that’s normal and okay and there may be steps to get there, but it’s certainly not keeping it all inside and pretending everything is okay. Because that’s what it is, it’s pretending. You say you're “pulling ourselves up by your bootstraps,” but you’re really just tucking away your feelings to manifest in some other way or setting yourself up for feeling worse when you realise you didn’t in fact get over it. https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/do-i-drink-too-much monthly 0.5 2024-02-05 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1668182173223-7P07Z76CKIPJXZ1PQPGZ/Alcohol+causes+problem+in+relationships.+Counselling+in+Ontario+can+help. Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Do I drink too much? - Relationships Do you find yourself being secretive about if, when, or how much you’ve drunk? Have others shown concern over your drinking? Do you see increased friction or conflict in relationships when or after drinking? https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1668182270397-AV6E46H1O0YFK7DV6LQK/Alcohol+use+and+socializing.+Therapy+for+Drinking+in+Ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Do I drink too much? - Social Are you only comfortable being social if drinking? Do all your social activities revolve around drinking? Have you increasingly been drinking heavily alone? https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1668182696955-AWENZZGBYXSPFVRL3QXH/Alcohol+use+affecting+workplace+or+career. Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Do I drink too much? - Work Have you been late to work because of drinking? Do you call in sick because of having drank? Are you finding it difficult to keep up with tasks? https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1668187940261-K7K6NGLBQ5YEW02LHRVB/Issues+with+alcohol.+Therapy+for+men. Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Do I drink too much? - Physical Health How uncomfortable, painful, or disruptive are your hangovers? Have you noticed difficulty remembering or with concentration? Even on days you’re not drinking, do you sweat, have shaky hands, restlessness, anxiety, or difficulty sleeping? Are you unable to cut down when you’ve tried? https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1668188063414-0I7G2J5KTW8Q9WF5UG4F/Drinking+affects+mental+health.+Counselling+for+depression+and+alcohol+Ontario. Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Do I drink too much? - Mental Health Are cravings for alcohol affecting concentration? Is alcohol used largely for self-medicating? Ie. stress reduction, avoidance, changing mood Do you find your mood to be increasingly depressive or anxious? After consuming alcohol or the next day, do you notice negative thoughts, or feelings of regret, guilt, or shame? https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1668188198760-M3FIGQ100M6L3FLQDPYH/Man+spending+too+much+money+on+drinking. Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Do I drink too much? - Financial Are you spending money on alcohol you don’t have? Does consuming alcohol cause you to spend on other things when you wouldn’t have sober? https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1668188371351-JCKVTLK77PSYGV9G512C/Alcohol+use+puts+man+at+risk+for+legal+issues.+Ontario+counselling. Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Do I drink too much? - Legal Have you driven after consuming alcohol? While drinking, have you gotten aggressive, punched, pushed, or been physical towards another person? Have you found yourself being verbally abusive or threatening to someone? Do you end up using illegal substances after having alcohol? https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/why-dont-many-men-show-their-emotions monthly 0.5 2024-02-05 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1668011244598-W6PD8GJ4F91P4M8NKP3D/Men+who+need+therapy+for+emotional+suppression+in+Ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why don’t many men show their emotions? - Everyone has emotions We’ve already established that men do. In general though, we need to remember that: Expressing emotion may look different for each of us. We may deal with feelings in different ways. We may have different emotions for different things. Emotions and feelings are there though, even if for some they’re repressed. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1668011373609-HP61DHS85BVYX44OE54O/Men+discouraged+to+share+emotions%2C+therapy+for+men+Thunder+Bay Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why don’t many men show their emotions? - Expression is discouraged Unfortunately, a norm taught in the name of masculinity is that showing emotion means you’re weak. For men, they’re encouraged to show strength. There is an expectation of how you present in public, or to others. Let’s think about how in everyday life you or the people around you respond to a man who cries. Let’s imagine right now, you are sitting with a man and he begins to sob. He’s going through a hard time. What's your first reaction? Are you repelled? Do you feel embarrassed for them? Do you want to do anything in your power to make them stop? What do you say to him? What do you do? How this situation makes us feel and how we respond gives us the answer about how we feel about a man showing emotion and vulnerability. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1668011300929-2VBXG8O8TKZTHBAEAXPL/Fatherhood+and+men+being+emotional+and+sharing+in+therapy Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why don’t many men show their emotions? - Discouragement in early life. Our early relationships set the stage for our understanding of the world, how to be in relationships, our roles and expectations, and other core beliefs. So, even though our childhood may have been a long time ago, when our little brains were forming we absorbed how to be. This still has an effect on who we are and how we are. Think about how your parents talked about men. How did they describe the ideal behaviour of a man? What were their expectations of men around you? Did they talk to you about what kind of man they expect you to be and what would make them proud? Think about how they talked about emotions. Did they discourage expression of “negative” emotions? Were you expected to “suck it up” or “keep things in”? Were the expectaions of emotional expression different for women in your life? https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1668011104079-RUIR2J9TJ4EKR7JNE17D/Emotional+repression+and+therapy+for+men+in+Thunder+BayOntario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why don’t many men show their emotions? - Emotional repression If you learn that not feeling is ideal, overtime it can lead to emotional repression. Now, this can be for just certain emotions that you learned were not acceptable, like sadness. Emotional repression is a total avoidance of feeling. It’s to the point that you don’t do it on purpose. You become disconnected from how you feel. Emotions don’t go away though. They just show up elsewhere, such as expressions that are more socially acceptable, like an angry outburst. If you don’t properly process or deal with emotions, it shows up in various psychological or physical symptoms, like anxiety, physical discomfort or pain. Recommended read for this 'When the Body Says No' by Gabor Mate. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/15a4c3f4-9999-4732-8208-43f2f645649f/Men+being+emotional+with+each+other. Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why don’t many men show their emotions? - Ways we can be supportive of Men’s emotional expression. We need to combat this idea that men shouldn’t be emotional or emotions are weak. Here are ways to make changes yourself and be an ally: Reflect on your own reactions to men If you get emotional yourself: feel it, share it, and practice expressing without being self-deprecating. Encourage other men to share When men do express their feelings, even if uncomfortable, be encouraging. Try: “That’s tough” “I’m sorry you’re going through that” Say nothing, just a hand on their shoulder If they say, “I shouldn’t be crying” or “I’m sorry for crying”. Try: “Don’t be sorry, we all go through tough shit” “Let it out man, no worries” “I cried last week and it felt good, we all do it” https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/how-to-improve-your-long-term-relationship monthly 0.5 2024-02-05 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1667408345901-Q7F4R57R6MY5WVLZAP2U/How+to+improve+your+marriage Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to improve your long-term relationship. - Have & encourage a full life. Sharing your life with another person is a great experience that has so many benefits. It is also easy to get lost in long-term companionship. Sometimes it’s seen as normal evolution to lose things that were once part of your life, while others can see that it was accidental. I encourage you to encourage your partner to have a full life outside of what you share. This will look different because what you feel is fulfilling and enjoyable will differ. You may love having many close friends and gatherings, while your partner will find golfing alone or dinner with their one close friend perfectly satisfying. You may share a love for working out then you go do that new art class alone without them. You may see a therapist while your partner finds writing stories a way to alleviate emotional weight. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1667408430937-B28EV4WYDTDREBYW55G5/asking+for+what+you+need+in+a+marriage+or+long+term+relationship Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to improve your long-term relationship. - Don’t play games. Please for the love of gawd let’s not be cryptic. We don’t have to get the relationship we want by influencing it in round-a-bout ways. Trying to manipulate our partner to get what we want, expecting them to mind-read our needs, or getting upset when your partner has violated your boundaries when you’ve never actually communicated any with them, is a disaster waiting to happen if it hasn’t already. Acting in these ways is likely leftover stuff from your early relationships aka childhood and/or culturally influenced behaviour. Wherever it came from, you learned that clear communication is not going to result in your need or want getting met. You’ve learned to pretend to not have needs, or that others should just know, and when they don’t they’ve somehow failed and you’re in another relationship where it just doesn’t seem to be working. I see you. There’s no secret sauce though. Adult relationships require clear asking, explaining, and repeating of wants, needs, and boundaries in a kind, patient, and respectful way. When you are not used to this, it’s so fucking weird and uncomfortable. That's what needs to happen though. If your partner is not fulfilling your needs. Have patience with them. If they violate a boundary, communicate again. We are all working on it. I know, there’s limits to this, especially the severity of boundary violation, but generally, keep being clear and kind. Don’t assume. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1667408661404-1RR1FWXDLGTX8B9YPLBD/Women+questioning+her+marriage+or+long-term+relationship Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to improve your long-term relationship. - Relationships will ebb and flow. In long-term relationships there will be disconnection. This can be a bad day or week or month. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed or time to call it quits. To believe that our level of connection and intimacy is going to sustain at the same level is just setting yourself up for failure. There are so many events in our lives that affect us as individuals and as partners ie. grief and loss, having children, moving, mental or physical illness etc. We can expect that in those times different needs will be prioritised and you may need to discuss what’s important right now. Maybe your partner cannot be the emotional shoulder to lean on because they do not have the capacity. Your sexual connection and desire will likely change. What are ways we can meet our needs for the short-term or renegotiate with our partner the terms of our relationship? I’ll add that you may go through periods where you question everything. Maybe you’ll be really annoyed by them, dislike them, or feel hatred. There are ways to find reconnection in these instances and it’s perfectly normal. Also, (I know it’s confusing) sometimes ending relationships are the best option too. Some people just know that ebb is not one that they desire to have flow again. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1667408948663-IN5OLTO9CW2PYI1AUKCX/same-sex+marriage+and+doing+your+part+in+the+relationship Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to improve your long-term relationship. - Actively participate. Do your part. This isn’t always going to mean 50/50. There may be times when you need to put in more or vice versa (please don’t have a running tab). Doing your part means that you are an active participant in how the relationship is structured and its health. You get to have a say in how you do things and how things are. Examples would be: How domestic labour is allocated, monogamous or otherwise, time spent together, handling conflict or disagreement. What’s the plan and parameters? Take responsibility for your part. This means admitting when you’re wrong. It also means you should act in ways that foster responses from your partner. Do you want your partner to listen, understand, be kind, and communicate directly? Then do that. Don’t wait for them to act first. Acting first in ways that plant seeds of reconnection and safety back in the relationship can do wonders, before even getting into the conversation part. Act according to what the relationship needs. Think of it as a separate entity. https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/should-i-work-on-my-anger-3-reasons-why monthly 0.5 2024-02-05 https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/why-this-is-just-the-way-i-am-is-holding-you-back monthly 0.5 2024-02-05 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/238dd59d-5bf4-4dea-a3ed-41beccba3297/unsplash-image-TGX8EjjgoMo.jpg Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why “This is just the way I am” is holding you back. - Why do I use this phrase? For those frequent users of the phrase “This is just the way I am,” it could be a way of protecting yourself. Your past relationships with family, friends, partners (whoever) have shown you that you need protection in certain situations. You have adapted to this protective stance of “Take it or leave it,” because you may not have felt accepted. It can also be from being criticized, like nothing was ever good enough. When we have these experiences it can cause us to get rigid when presented with a request to shift or change. We put up a block and say nope. With our protective tendencies, they do what they are supposed to at the moment. They protect us from the threat. For you, the threat is rejection, hurt, pain, sadness. To accept that you may need to shift would be accepting there is something deeply wrong, that those people were right: you are not good enough. So of course there is a need for protection there. Tapping into that feeling is devastating. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/7fb87fd9-e317-4310-bd8f-f3504c5b4574/Preventing+deeper+connections Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why “This is just the way I am” is holding you back. - If you are not considering the ways you are and how it affects the other person, you may be preventing deeper connection with them. You could be unintentionally communicating to them: “I don’t accept your experience or feelings.” In order to feel connected to another person, we need to be able to share our feelings and experiences. If your fear is always around the corner, ready to jump out and say “This is just the way I am,” the other person may end up backing away, or the connection stays on the surface. Using this phrase can also limit growth in relationships. This is similar to making deeper connections. Specifically though, the growth that comes from working through our own fears by being vulnerable with another is growth. By actually accepting their experience and allowing them to see that less than perfect side, you grow in the same direction. When you use the phrase “This is just the way I am,” it can cause you to grow apart. Of course this is easier said than done. See ‘How to stop using “This is just the way I am”’ below for tips. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/d2f8972a-c9f1-4b50-87a1-bbbebe9755aa/Man+thinking+about+consequences+of+%22This+is+just+the+way+I+am%22 Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why “This is just the way I am” is holding you back. - When is it okay to use the phrase? Sometimes we already know. The words “This is just the way I am” come out of your mouth, but you know that thing the person criticised you for is an issue. You just have heard it so many times throughout your life that you now see it as “you”. You have tried to change that thing and it was too hard, so “This is just the way I am”. Accepting you as a worthy human, and ignoring behaviours that could be hurtful are different. This is all more complicated. We have to look at the thing that has caused the response of “This is just the way I am”. Is it causing conflict or negative consequences? Is it something you feel good about? For example, George says “Jake, I don't like the way you dress, it’s weird”, and Jake says “This is just the way I am.” Jake likes the way he dresses, it makes him feel good, and it does not cause negative consequences for the important things in his life. If George doesn’t like Jake’s clothing, that’s their preference and that is okay. Now, George might need to consider whether that opinion was necessary to share, but that’s for another blog post. On the other hand, For example, George says, “Jake, leaving your clothes all over the floor and never picking them makes me feel ignored and undervalued,” and Jake says “This is just the way I am.” Jake’s behaviour is causing conflict in their relationship and making their partner feel not valued because they end up always cleaning up. It doesn’t make Jake feel good to make their partner feel bad, even if the behaviour was unintentional. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1664898088714-W3UNXHA4N6VOQAD1ETZT/couple+repairing+after+a+conflict Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why “This is just the way I am” is holding you back. - Consider the source. Working through what the request or opinion of you the other person had is not mandatory for every relationship. Working through your fear by coming back to the person to communicate is huge for you. You are working through stuff that has deep roots. You do not have to do this with someone who feels unsafe or you know is not going to be empathetic or patient with you in return. Start practising these tips with someone safe. Show the other person you understand. Even if you have admitted to yourself that what they were saying is not a behaviour you are proud of, you don’t have to have the perfect solution or confidence in making a change. Just acknowledging is powerful. Say, “I could see how that was hurtful to you.” https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/tips-for-managing-irritability-at-work monthly 0.5 2024-02-05 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1664307504407-ZX9UJ5G4H6DFE6MZMZIK/Woman+at+work+less+irritable.+Counselling+with+Olsen+Psychotherapy+in+Thunder+Bay Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Tips for managing irritability at work. - Shift Focus Irritability can intensify or last longer when we focus on it. It’s tough, I know. This thing keeps going around and around in your head, how do you step off the carousel? First is to decide where to focus. You could choose: Your current work task. When your focus wanders away, come right back. And again. And again. Your breath. Take deep, long breaths. Try breathing in for 4 seconds, hold it in for up to 7 seconds, and breathing out through your mouth for 8 seconds. Notice the sensations of belly, or the whistling of your nose. An object or sound. Try watching the hands of the clock, the trees blowing in the breeze outside your window, or ticking of the keyboards. While focusing on these other things, thoughts of the thing that caused the upset will inevitably creep back into your head. Try visualizing: Pushing the thought or feeling aside, putting the worry in a box for later. Watching the thought move past like a passing cloud. The feeling washing over you all the way to the tips of your toes and fingers, rather than resisting it or holding it in your chest or belly where it usually lives. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1664307689327-DLMQJ1WHU9HG9VTXJNY7/Man+happier+at+work%2C+less+irritable.+Counselling+with+Olsen+Psychotherapy+in+Thunder+Bay Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Tips for managing irritability at work. - Mindset Shifts This plays off the last tip of positive reminders. Rather than identifying the good though, let’s look at how shifting the way we think about something can provide some relief from irritability. Some examples: My co-worker was short with me. = Someone’s mood is more complicated than I can know. There are other things in their day or life that could be making them feel on edge. This job is not where I want to be. = This is where I am right now. I can start to make changes in order to work towards a job I feel more fulfilled in. For now, let’s get this pay cheque. This job is high stress and asking more from me than I can provide. = I will only provide what is in my capacity to give. Self-sacrifice is not in this job description. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1664307800908-Z7YKFK6SD5PIWE2L25OQ/Man+setting+boundary+at+work.+Counselling+at+Olsen+Psychotherapy+in+Thunder+Bay Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Tips for managing irritability at work. - Boundaries It is up to you to know what you need. Boundaries are ways we communicate to others how to be in a relationship with us. This includes our workplace. One of the reasons you may feel irritable is because your workplace treats you as boundary-less. Teach them otherwise. When certifying a boundary we can go wrong by allowing the reaction of the other person to dictate how rigid or loose that boundary is. You have to know by your standard whether your boundary is solid “I can’t do that no matter what”, or “I can only do that if….”, rather than “they are upset so I guess I can do that task this one time”. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1664308255744-XZ29OKGNKDD4PRY4R34P/Man+feels+less+irrritable+at+new+job.+Counselling+with+Olsen+Psychotherapy+in+Thunder+Bay Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Tips for managing irritability at work. - Long-term adjustments Sometimes there’s ways to make changes to improve your mood in the long-term. Consider: Taking better care of yourself overall. Make sure you are taking care of yourself outside of work, like enough sleep, food, and movement. This can make the irritation of the workplace more tolerable and make us more resilient when things don’t go our way. https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/why-not-going-to-bed-angry-is-bad-relationship-advice monthly 0.5 2024-02-05 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1663699305237-A9O1MXD0FQ3CFFJ4KW8C/Relationships+issues+and+going+to+bed+angry.+Counselling+with+Olsen+Psychotherapy+in+Thunder+Bay+Ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why “never go to bed angry” is bad relationship advice. - When is going to bed angry a good thing? It’s not so much that going to bed while angry is good because let’s be real: trying to fall asleep when you are upset is nearly impossible. This advice is more about whether you should solve the issue and repair the relationship now, or walk away and let it be for a while. Here are the reasons I am PRO “go to sleep angry”: https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1663699388949-JLASODOZGUFBT6HF58LJ/Relationship+conflict+and+issues.+Counselling+with+Olsen+Psychotherapy+in+Thunder+Bay+Ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why “never go to bed angry” is bad relationship advice. - So take the time to find calm and only then start asking yourself some important questions: What emotion was I feeling? What happened that made me feel that way? Is there something from my past experiences with this person or others that is making this feeling more intense? What were the facts surrounding the disagreement? For example: I felt anger boil up when they said BLANK. *Remember facts are objective truths not interpretations. For example: They did not take out the garbage (fact) and they don’t care that I already have so much on my plate (Interpretation). It’s easy to get caught up in interpretations like: “They were very sad when I told them BLANK”. This could definitely be true, but make sure they were the one who said this. Sometimes we interpret our partner’s reaction, which seems obvious to label the emotion. You don’t know until you know though. SO when you eventually go back to the conversation calm and collected, try: “You seemed sad when I said BLANK, did I get that right?” What am I hoping for? What can resolution look like? What could I have done differently? What is most important for my partner to know about our disagreement? What does it look like to be in their shoes? Do things look different from their perspective, or an outsider’s perspective? What can I say to be clear in my communication about my needs, but also maintain respect and kindness for my partner? https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1663699542489-7LJE66NFTYTWOQXBTDTF/Man+with+relationships+issues%2C+anger.+Counselling+with+Olsen+Psychotherapy+in+Thunder+Bay%2C+Ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why “never go to bed angry” is bad relationship advice. - Readiness Let’s acknowledge that sometimes we are not ready for a conversation that requires care, respect, and patience. When we are tired, hungry, have been drinking, or have already had a tough emotional day, then it is not the time to converse with your partner about something that needs special attention. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1663700005118-8ORHCT5501B9AD7SKHGG/Relationships+issues%2C+anger+and+confusion.+Counselling+with+Olsen+Psychotherapy+in+Thunder+Bay%2C+Ontario. Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - Why “never go to bed angry” is bad relationship advice. - Time doesn’t give you clarity You still don’t know what you want, how you're feeling, some options to resolve it, or the perspective of your partner. It’s okay if sleeping on it didn’t do this for you. At the very least, going into the next conversation with calm is most important. You can go to your partner and say, “I don’t know what to think or how I’m feeling, what about you?” and have a discussion with care and respect now that you’re more calm. You can even decide not to resolve it right now and say, “thanks for talking about this again, I am going to take some more time to think.” You can reach out to your therapist, trusted friend, or do an activity that you know could give you the relaxation you need for more clarity. You never resolve it This is the fear of many people who don’t believe you should walk away from a disagreement with a partner. This is fair. It is very common to walk away and never find resolution. This can leave one or both of you to continue to ruminate about it, or feel resentful. Those unresolved emotions can lead to further arguments because you are already simmering underneath it all. Whether you are the person who tends to walk away or the person who tries to stay, you have the ability to reach out again and say “our conversation the other night didn’t go so well, I would love to try again when we both feel ready”. There is not a timeline for this, but certainly if it is a conversation that is important to one or both of you, make it a priority. https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/how-to-stop-feeling-bad-about-yourself monthly 0.5 2024-02-05 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1663089754843-J96DVDPBSDCDZCD51P8J/unsplash-image-7qT9A9QzcUA.jpg Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to stop feeling bad about yourself. - Check The Facts One of the first things to practice is checking the facts. Feeling bad about yourself can cause you to see the world through special “I’m not good enough” glasses. You interpret situations and experiences in a way that can validate those feelings of not good enough. Get good at asking some questions before reacting in a way that says “Yup, just as I thought: No one likes me”. An example of checking the facts: Your car is broken down on the side of the road. You see your friend approaching in their car so you start waving them down. “HEY, HEY, I’m over here!!”. They drive right past you. Huh? Here are the thoughts that might run through your head: “Friends always stop for friends.” “They must not like me.” “They’re so rude.” https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1663089628705-K6PLN0G7BWEUZXW3QN61/unsplash-image-LGYeTNMDev0.jpg Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to stop feeling bad about yourself. - I texted that person from the dating app to see if they wanted to meet for coffee, but they never replied. You: They hate me. I’m ugly. No one will ever love me. Other possibilities: They’re not ready for a relationship and got scared. You reminded them of their ex-partner and didn’t want to go there. They saw your list of hobbies and they don’t like any of the same things. They are actually super busy and don’t prioritise answering on those apps. They don’t have the emotional capacity right now to tell you they just don’t want to go on a date. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1663089595830-8ASY3EF9L9XDW7JIP4ZX/unsplash-image-QsYXYSwV3NU.jpg Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to stop feeling bad about yourself. - I saw my coworker in the grocery store and they didn’t acknowledge me when I was trying to make eye contact. You: They don’t like me. They’re mad I didn’t help them with that thing. Other possibilities: They didn’t see you. They struggle with social anxiety. They hold grudges because they have difficulty being honest about their feelings. Their dog is sick. They have a pounding headache and are just trying to get out of the store. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1663088961397-5SCZ7UDB1KAZOZQY0VDU/Young-man-mindfulness-exercise-for-managing-self-esteem-feeling-bad-about-yourself Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to stop feeling bad about yourself. - Find a quiet space and comfortable position for your body. Take a few deep breaths to relax any muscle groups that are tensing. What you’ll notice is thoughts coming up. Often judgement thoughts, like “Am I doing this right?”, or “How long will this take” come up and that is perfectly fine. I want you to notice them, envision yourself holding them gently in your hand palms up. Try to eliminate any judgement of yourself having the thought. Just notice it as if it’s an inanimate object. Now let it go. Let it float away, keep moving along as if it’s waves on the shore or clouds in the sky. Ground yourself to your seat. Those thoughts are not you, let them pass. Breath. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1663089147659-IOO9P20A5TQ9ZJ9R0Y3B/unsplash-image-ukzHlkoz1IE.jpg Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to stop feeling bad about yourself. - “I can never do anything right” This is extreme thinking, and not facts (see checking the facts above). Do you have experiences where the expectations set for you were high or unreasonable? Or maybe you experienced a lot of criticism that wasn’t balanced with validation and love? We can quickly go to this thought if we have learned to not see the “grey”. “No one likes me” Do you remember feeling warmth from your early relationships? Did they like you or criticise you? You may still go to this thought of “no one likes me” because others liking you seems like a less likely scenario in your mind. It can stem from not feeling like others like you early on (that likely had little to do with you). You’re an adult now though, your world is different, and you are exposed to so many people who could possibly like you. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1663089354180-VFH4UWGNXQBTOGSTYUVL/Taking+action+to+build+self-esteem+and+not+feel+bad+about+yourself. Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to stop feeling bad about yourself. Breathing fresh air and walking through a park, despite wanting to hide from the world. Going to that birthday party, despite feeling awkward around new people (or all people). Going on a date, despite thinking they won’t like you. Using your vacation days you never take, despite thinking that means you’re lazy. Trying a hobby you never tried, despite being scared people will think it’s weird. Wear the dress you bought with the cool pattern, despite thinking your body’s just not there yet. https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/how-to-calm-down-when-already-angry monthly 0.5 2024-02-05 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1662483849267-I4CA8W420LCJ9POLNYZQ/Young+indigenous+man+learning+to+find+calm+with+anger+management+strategies+at+Olsen+Psychotherapy Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to calm down when already angry. - STOP: These are steps to take to immediately stop whatever your anger is influencing you to do. Stop When you feel the strong urge to react on your anger: Don’t. You can’t think straight, so the first thing to do is to do nothing, just stop. Take a step back Now that you’ve stopped, it’s time to take a step back. This could mean physically or mentally. When we do this, it gives us time to calm and to think. Take some deep breaths. Observe Take a look around. What is happening? Who is around? What are they saying or doing? Where are you? What are your thoughts? How does your body feel? This allows you to take in the facts of the situation. You are gathering information so you can see what your options are on how to proceed, rather than impulsively reacting. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1662484330414-PXPX3CZXUXE9U5H5IXPX/Young+indigenous+woman+eyes+closed+resting+head+on+a+tree+breathing+deeply.+This+shows+example+of+paced+breathing+to+reduce+anger+and+be+calm.+Olsen+Psychotherapy+in+Thunder+Bay%2C+Ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to calm down when already angry. - Intense Exercise This is a way to get your body moving, because intense emotions actually fuel us to act. Let’s just use that fuel differently. Do any kind of exercise for 20 min based on your physical ability. Paced Breathing Slow down and focus on your breathing. Deep breath in 4 seconds. Breathe out 8 seconds. Breathe from your abdomen. Paired Muscle Relaxation Like its name says, this exercise is to help us relax. As you would have noticed, intense anger tenses your muscles and getting ourselves to release the tension can induce calm. You will go through each muscle group, for example: hands, nose, neck, stomach, upper legs, ankles, and so on. You focus on that specific muscle group by tensing the muscle for 5-10 seconds while breathing in, then release for 5-10 seconds while breathing out. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1662484652360-LW9V90CSDGXWEQKMRVPO/30-something+Caucasian+man+with+glasses+closely+smelling+coffee.+This+is+an+example+of+the+taste+and+smell+exercise+where+you%27re+engaging+your+sense+to+elicit+calm+and+reduce+anger%2C+Olsen+Psychotherapy+in+Thunder+Bay%2C+Ontario Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to calm down when already angry. - Touch Notice where you’re touching. Is your arm up against a soft armchair? Are your feet pressed firm on the ground? Notice the sensations. You can also try taking a hot bath or shower, getting a hug, wrapping yourself in a blanket, putting a cold item on your forehead, or petting your dog or cat. Smell What are the smells around you? Dinner cooking? Fresh cut grass? That garbage you have yet to take out? Just notice. Try opening the coffee container and taking a whiff, step outside to smell the fresh air or trees, light a candle, or put on a lotion with a scent you like (this is also good for touch sensation). https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1662484906768-P1N9JMKUXHTNY91KTQNL/unsplash-image-HCV6vw4SKVA.jpg Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How to calm down when already angry. - Relaxing Actions This is simply doing activities that you personally find relaxing. This could be watching a movie, baking cookies, walking outside, or laying in a hot bath. One thing in the Moment This is about focusing on one thing at a time. You’re angry in this moment and you only have to get through this moment. Don’t pile on other times in the past you’ve felt angry or screwed up. One thing at a time. Just get through the now. Vacation Take a vacation from being a grown up for a few minutes, or at the most 1 day. Can you have someone else take that responsibility for now so you can get through? Can you leave that thing that’s in the back of your mind for now so you can come back to your life calm and ready? This can be a tricky one for those used to “vacationing” (the avoiders). It’s important to do this with purpose, not in every situation you feel overwhelmed. Encouragement Talk to yourself like you would a friend who is at the height of anger. How might you encourage them? Tell them something positive. https://www.olsenpsychotherapy.com/blog-online-counselling-therapy-for-ontario/how-depression-affects-your-relationship monthly 0.5 2024-02-05 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/90feb646-7bac-40ff-8ac3-28cbbf453693/unsplash-image-JuzLjNh-S6k.jpg Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How depression affects your relationship. Common depression symptoms you may be seeing in yourself or your partner: Sad Not feeling hopeful about the future Lack of interest & pleasure in things that once were Irritable or angry; may look like short fuse Sleep issues (too much or too little) Tired or sluggish Appetite change (none or increased) Memory issues, trouble thinking and concentrating Thoughts of death or attempts at suicide A confusing part is, you may not know why you aren’t happy and feel so miserable. Your partner can be asking and asking, “what’s wrong?”, and you may not have a concrete answer. We expect that after a death or loss of job for example, someone may experience depressed feelings. So it’s different from someone going through a hard time after an event (though certainly this can fuel longer-term mental health issues). In relationships it is only natural that how we act influences our partners. Each relationship establishes patterns of how they are together whether it’s on purpose or not. If our behaviour shifts, the relationship shifts (for the good or bad). https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/6261eea5805bc91176209f24/1661967259083-NCP7G84FN3U404G9ZOEE/unsplash-image-DUK7XiBpGSY.jpg Blog - Online Counselling & Therapy for Ontario - How depression affects your relationship. Depression can influence someone who was once great at these things (ie. communication, showing care) to be more challenged by them. AND there are people who may have already been challenged by some of these healthy ways to be in relationships. 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