Let’s talk about anger and resentment.
Anger and resentment are emotions that are heavy to deal with. Many of us were never taught how to navigate these feelings, or if we did, we were told to squash them. Avoiding and suppressing anger and resentment only works for so long though. Eventually, these feelings come back up or lay brewing underneath the surface.
When we take the time to understand our anger and resentment, rather than pushing them away, we can use them for information and gain self-awareness. We can transform our anger and resentment into something constructive. This requires taking a look at them, being curious, and sitting with the discomfort of this challenging (and very human) set of emotions.
What These Emotions Are Trying to Tell Us.
Often anger acts as our protector against the vulnerable feelings, like fear, hurt, shame, or sadness. These can come up when boundaries are crossed, when we feel powerless, or when we’ve been wronged. In that sense, our anger comes from a place that makes sense. It is what we do with the anger that often becomes the culprit.
Resentment is when we are holding on to the anger (and the other emotions underneath). We have not found a safe place for our anger to be released, or it hasn’t been released sufficiently, so it gets stuck. Resentment commonly presents itself when your anger has accumulated as well. Over time you might feel unseen, needs are unmet, or you feel disrespected and it builds up and lingers.
Anger and resentment are not there to make us feel out of control, even though sometimes it might feel that way. Anger and resentment are there as a signal that something is wrong or we’re hurt. These emotions want to protect us. We have to practice listening to what anger and resentment are telling us, so we know better how to manage and resolve it.
Why It's So Hard to Talk About Anger and Resentment.
Anger and resentment are hard to express. You might think that others will not understand or they’ll judge you for feeling the way you do.
Many of us learned not to express emotions at all because they represented a lack of control, were seen as unproductive, or for men: feminine. For those who suppress emotions, you might lock them away instead. You tell yourself it is “not a big deal” or to “get over it”. This can lead to irritability, stress, and even physical symptoms.
For many, expressing anger feels unsafe. Maybe we learned that anger causes conflict, that it makes us "too much," or that it makes others not want to be with us. Anger and resentment are hard to talk about.
The Cost of Carrying Anger and Resentment
When we don’t deal with anger and it turns into resentment, it can be harmful to you and your life. Here are a few ways holding anger can affect you:
Relationships
When you don’t deal with the anger, especially if it is connected to your relationships, it can cause conflict and distance. You are not quite sure how to deal with the anger and resentment so fights become about something else entirely, or communication stops happening all together.
Mood
Holding anger inside is exhausting. It takes a lot of energy to keep it at bay. You might find yourself more and more irritable or losing motivation. You may even notice having big responses to small problems.
Perspective
The more anger you hold inside, the more it can influence your perspective. You look through your lens out to the world and see it with suspicion, blame, and negativity. It becomes more difficult to see nuance and what IS going well.
What can we do about Anger and Resentment?
Eventually we want the anger to subside, but there are other steps we need to take before just trying to force the anger away again. We want to actually process and deal with it, so it doesn’t continue to linger under the surface as resentment.
Here is how to get started with dealing with anger and resentment:
1. Observe and acknowledge
Observation means pausing and noticing what you are feeling. We have to face it. Name what it is. Simply saying, “I’m angry” or “I feel resentful” can be powerful. Naming emotions helps regulate the nervous system and creates room for clarity.
2. Be curious
Anger can be what is on the surface, while other emotions sit underneath. Getting curious about what else you are feeling, helps give you a clearer picture about what is actually upsetting. Be curious without judgement and ask:
What’s underneath this feeling?
What boundary was crossed?
What expectation went unmet?
What is this feeling trying to protect?
For more, check out this Olsen Psychotherapy blog: Understanding Anger: When it’s really about something else.
3. Validate and use compassion
Anger, resentment, and the other emotions attached come from somewhere. There is a reason for them. Others may not understand or you’re scared you’re being “too much”. The more you use negative talk and dismissal for your emotions though, the more they get stuck. So try validating how you feel and show compassion to yourself. This might sound like:
“I feel the way I feel for a reason”
“I feel hurt, which is a normal human experience”
“Emotions are a signal of what I like/dislike, need or want, and it’s okay to have them.”
“This feels bad right now, but I can get through it.”
4. Problem-solve
Problem-solving your anger and resentment is a tough step, because it is highly situational. Here are some possible ways you might problem-solve the anger and resentment:
Acceptance
Acceptance does not mean you approve of the thing that made you angry. Acceptance means accepting reality. This thing happened and I can’t change that. Sometimes just stopping your fight against the harm that you can't change, can be freeing.
Reassess Boundaries
Sometimes the lingering resentment comes from boundaries being overstepped by others or ourselves. For example:
You don’t want to be yelled at when fighting with your spouse, but it keeps happening.
A friend guilts you into doing something you don’t want to do, despite saying no.
A family member shares personal information with others that is private.
A co-worker gives you hugs, though it’s clear there’s discomfort.
So reassessing boundaries means taking a look at the thing that makes you angry, and asking yourself:
Have I communicated my boundary clearly?
Can I reinforce it?
Can I make a different action to protect myself (ex. leaving the situation)?
Think about the barriers to following through with a boundary adjust or follow-through. There might be a safety issue, yes, but sometimes it’s that we are scared of what others’ will think or to “make waves”. Think about what those barriers might be for you.
Expression
Sometimes expressing what you are upset about to another is the key. We CAN find the healing we need if we turn to our relationship. Trying again to be heard if it hasn’t worked thus far is tough though. For more information on expressing yourself and communication in relationships, check out these Olsen Psychotherapy blogs:
Anger in Relationships: 4 steps to expressing anger without hurting your partner
We can also express anger and resentment in other ways, like talking with a trusted friend to get others’ validation, or seeing a therapist or counsellor to get an outside perspective and support. As well, expression can mean writing about your experience, or body activity like breathing exercises or physical exercise.
Don’t discount sitting with your feelings. One of the most difficult things to learn if you’re someone who suppresses their anger is to allow the feeling to exist, rather than pushing it or stuffing it away. Let yourself feel the underlying feelings and again, have compassion for that hurt.
Compassionate Reminder
You are not wrong for feeling angry. You are not broken for holding resentment. These emotions are part of being human. And like all emotions, they are meant to be felt, not feared.
Honoring our anger and resentment is an act of self-respect.
Final Thoughts on Anger and Resentment
Anger and resentment aren’t signs of failure—they’re signs you care, that something matters. When we listen to them instead of silencing them, they become guides rather than enemies.
The key is not to live without anger and resentment, but to live with them wisely.
Let’s talk about them more. With honesty. With courage. And with compassion.
Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.
